Re: a comment on A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	18-Jan-06/11:02 PM
"I wanna be just as close as the holy ghost is and lay you doowwwn in a bed of roses."- Bon Jovi. Oh yes. A great poetic device indeed.
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	zodiac 209.193.14.236	18-Jan-06/7:38 PM
Foundations hold people, not vice versa. That's their only purpose.
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/6:41 PM
The first three could be reworded: We hold a sound foundation, and it's sad if we hold it for well-being, that God created man in His own image.
Re: a comment on A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 86.134.39.188	18-Jan-06/2:52 PM
Clearly Dovina thinks all poemes should be deposited in the Arena of Gladiatorial Combat. I, for one, am less belligerent. I have always sought refuge in the Arenas of Constructive Criticism and Ritualistic Funeral Poetry, which is where we find ourselves now... ...but this dumpling leaves a sour taste in my mouth. There isn't a single poeme alive that couldn't be made better by referring to The Holy Spirit as The Holy Ghost. The King James Version learnt this lesson long ago, and amanda would do well to follow its example. The Holy Ghost is a Ghost. It haunts things. That is the definition of Ghost. Why would Bibles refer to it as a Ghost if it was some sort of special 'Ghost' that wasn't actually a ghost at all because it didn't really haunt things? The two defining characteristics of a ghost are: (1) Haunting things (2) Walking through walls The Holy Ghost does both.
Re: a comment on Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	zodiac 209.193.14.236	18-Jan-06/2:38 PM
Thanks. It's poemranker's truest communal poem, I think. Feel free to contribute. I might even get around to reposting with the new verses someday - though I would love seeing it at the top of the Top 20.
Re: a comment on A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	zodiac 209.193.14.236	18-Jan-06/2:35 PM
I'm playing with the idea that there are more arenas in poetry than I've previously imagined. There's the hymnal, religious, family-oriented arena (amanda's); the poetic song lyric arena (like wilco's); the publication in Big Name journals arena (mine); the deeply personal arena; the writer's-pleasure-only arena, probably; and who knows how many others (SLAM!, California wackiness, goth, poop.) Amanda's poems would not be successful in my arena, yes. Neither would mine be suitable for hers. But in our own arenas, we're both aces. To be sure, the very best poetry is the best because it suits more than one crowd or idea of poetry - Frost comes to mind for being personal and big name; Donne for being lyrical, big-name, and devotional. And so on. Should I insist on judging amanda's work by how well it would fit in, say, Atlantic Quarterly? Or an L.A. SLAM! reading? Doesn't that discount a lot of popular, enduring writing that's well-suited to its place? Feel free to disagree. I can see why anyone would.
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:55 PM
Sweet bearded Jesus! I've shat myself laughing. The finest of that fine AIDs tradition.
Re: Racism 4 by Dovina	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:15 PM
Tons of cliches, some lines make no sense ("sad if for well-being"?), unnecessary and incongruous archaism ("twas"), weak verbs, nothing really original or interesting.
Re: The funeral and the table by Caducus	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:06 PM
While I really like the details, the "list" that begins it, strong images notwithstanding, seems to weaken it overall. "The slow procession exit gets faster from the grave" might even be a good place to start it (in media res) and then flashback somehow to incorporate those earlier images? Not saying that's the way to go, necessarily, but play with the sequence--doesn't necessarily have to be linear, and may be better if it's not. I really like the pyre ending with a personal touch (the table).
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:02 PM
Some really excellent lines and details. Toss the road cliches (well travelled, less travelled). Some awkward language ("Slit throat eyed and green gloved hit me like Mussolini on rope"--not sure what that means; think you mean slit-throat eyes, but even that is an awkward phrasing, maybe rework it?) Look at your verbs too and see if they're strong enough. Also, finally, think this might be stronger if you dumped the last stanza. Don't get me wrong--I think it's really good and even more promising!
Re: Heirophant by cyan9	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/11:57 AM
The Hierophant is the Key that corresponds to the High Priestess, right--symbol of social conformity, rules and ritual, all of that? I'm not seeing the connection here. "Reticent to the sparks" doesn't really work in terms of grammar/meaning. Whilst is an archaism. (Just pointing out some things to think about.) Not sure what this is about--you've got some fresh images but it doesn't hang together (for me, anyway) just yet.
Re: Heirophant by cyan9	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:36 AM
How about "statuary" instead of "stationary" to give an added meaning?
Re: The funeral and the table by Caducus	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:33 AM
"Vicar rejoicing from the sound of his voice" is great, but "in" seems better. "Choking hypocrit" is telling us what has already been better shown.
Re: A flightless deer by Enkidu	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:27 AM
The repeats add little, I think. The idea is good, but needs refinement.
Re: Is Dying Ugly? by D. $ Fontera	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:22 AM
The concluding lines don't make sense.
Re: A comedian at nearly midnight by MacFrantic	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:20 AM
Good story, put the presentation needs work.
Re: Pain, I Curse Thee by woodstock20000	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:13 AM
I think you should tell us what kind of pain you are talking about.
Re: The Deep End by drnick	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:11 AM
I love following someone whom I trust into danger. For better or worse, til death . . .etc. You've caught this well. Leave out "in" in Line 1.
Re: a comment on Racism 4 by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:06 AM
I also like stanzas 1 and 3 better than 2 ansd 4. But is a Jerry Springer ending bad?
Re: a comment on A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:00 AM
I considered doing that, and I find plenty to complain about in this poem. I responded as I did because everyone who has commented seemed to be doing so out of curtesy to her and her grandmother. Either that or they really think the poetic structure of this poem is great.