Re: a comment on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	24-Jan-06/12:38 AM
Dovina thanks a ton for the positive response. I admit there are a lot of spelling mistakes. I noticed them only today when I wanted to show this piece to my husband. Mistakes regretted. As for "Mood, not his best, he lives his life a real test" - well, as I pictured it.... if anyone was to give him a little more attention and love, probably his mood could be better than when he's shunned away from human company. He lives his life a real test - indicates that he doesn't understand his life, why its not 'normal' like everybody else, why others don't want to have anything to do with him or why does he have such things as hallucinations and abnormal behaviors. Also, does he have anything to look forward to in living his life. Nobody believes in his dreams. I hope this satisfies your question regarding that sentence.
Re: a comment on When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	24-Jan-06/12:37 AM
Some good comments on the meter and commas. Thanks, I'll work on it. I considered changing "inherit the earth" but I couldn't resist leaving it in because it implies the death or retirement of a parent or of God. It also reinforces that the grown children are taking God's knowledge with them. Had I used a more obscure biblical reference the effect would have been lost. It's quite hard to say something either pro or anti-god and not come out sounding a little preachy which is why I'm glad it doesn't bother you. The teller of the poem is percieved an older wise person simply by the way the listeners are addressed in the poem. So fresh language would come across as some young buck trying to tell you how it is.(Word up, yo) "Compelling" would really come across as preachy.("The power of Christ compells you") For my take on Lewis Carroll see: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=135039
Re: a comment on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	24-Jan-06/12:27 AM
Alchemy, thanks for your review. As for writing it in a schizo way, I have had no personal experience with a schiz. I have merely been trying to understand them, in general, and this is what I understood. Its difficult knowing one when you don't know one, and this is how I am right now. Still, I gave it a try and am happy I did. Your ref. will definitely be to my advantage.
Re: a comment on When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	24-Jan-06/12:04 AM
Please don't say god does nothing unless you believe in god and if you believe in god's existence than obviously he does something. With that said, it would be silly for me to talk of God earnestly if I didn't at some level believe. Aside from saying something like "that guy over there believes in god" or "There is no god", which is not what I'm trying to say. It's more about the dichotomy of what the childish believe and what the mature realize and about leaving the nest of religion as we do at home once we've learned all we need to know.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/11:14 PM
I just thought narrowing it would make the poem a little more phallic. But the original was tougher to read through. Where in heavens were you when we needed you man.
Re: a comment on A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/9:00 PM
These are good observations and suggestions. I’ve made revisions based of some of them, though you don’t see them here. Thanks. Your comments on poems by others have likewise seemed worthwhile. I see you’ve been commenting since 11/02, but your poems are few and recent. I am much newer here and can’t help wondering what username you went by then and what happened to the many poems you must have posted before this January. No answer is necessary, and I won’t keep bugging. It’s good have you around.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/7:11 PM
Starts off really clever and cute, with some nice alliteration and end-rhymes (garner, favor, harder), but those elements seem to get lost in the rest of it. The last six stanzas don't meet the promise of the first two (although the last stanza picks up the similar sounds again, in peace, sheep, please and I do note the fleas/bees/please rhyme, but they're too far apart; not saying you need to endstop the rhymes, but maybe work them a little closer somehow). I do like how you looked to other critters for comparison.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/7:05 PM
Yep, you've been reading Blake. ;-) You lose your meter here and there, and since you mostly stick to it, it's jarring when you go astray. Put a comma after your invocation (good children)--makes it immediately clear that you're speaking to them (it threw me off the first time). A nit. "Inherit the earth" IS a great biblical line, which is why it's so overused. As Dovina notes, it's deliberate preaching, which doesn't bother me, but I do wish the language was a little more fresh and compelling. Or that he ate the children in the end (sorry, it got me thinking of The Walrus and the Carpenter): "O Oysters," said the Carpenter, "You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none-- And this was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one.
Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/6:39 PM
A frosty feel to it in two ways.
Re: All I Want by AngelicVampiress	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/6:34 PM
I bet it was cathartic to write this, but it's more diary entry than poem, really. I don't mean that in a mean way. The cutting is a good place to start and a great, strong image--play around with that, maybe; try to make it a little more symbolic or indirect, instead of telling us everything straight out the way you do. You don't have to get fancy, but make it strong by centering it on something: I have this knife-- a way to live my life high from letting my blood pour out see? Your words, but it starts in the midst of it, and it'll take you further than just pouring your heart out as you would to a friend, you know? Of course, you may have just written it to feel better. :) But if you really want to learn to write poetry, Zodiac is right--read good poetry. Good luck.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	drnick 24.176.22.254	23-Jan-06/6:28 PM
Pretty good...I agree with the not needing god part, mostly because "he" does absolutely nothing. It would be better if you didn't believe, and made this something about how we wont need religion when we can all live peacefully without it. Perhaps I will do something like that. Anywho, not bad...
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/6:27 PM
Ummm--huh. I don't know--it reads to me like a series of punchlines unanchored by a joke. Interesting because it's so fucking weird, but I don't get a sense of the sense.
Re: On Golden Bond by jmalone	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:59 PM
I think you're confused. Bond wasn't golden, only his gun.
Re: Untitled by frahj	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:57 PM
Don't you have one of those guys in there with the towel and monkey-suit? No? What kind of opulence is that?
Re: All I Want by AngelicVampiress	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:56 PM
Help for life: Go out some, get a bagel, talk to strangers. Help for poetry: Read a lot. It's not like this.
Re: a week off by hendrimike	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:55 PM
Don't double space. We're not that kind of grading.
Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:54 PM
Not bad.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:53 PM
All the line breaks in the world don't hide that this is essentially lyrical and rhythmically simple. My suggestion: re-line-break it to highlight the rhythm, don't worry about shocking us with single-word lines. We're clearly not shocked.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	ecargo 172.185.156.153	23-Jan-06/5:11 PM
Fuck is a hard word to match or overpower, true--not just the shock value (if it still has any), but in the very harshness of its sound. But if I used a synonym, or a euphemism, I think I'd lose the point that, between them, it is just an agreed-upon fuck, nothing more fluffy or meaningful or emotional (on his part) than that, despite the fact that she secretly craves more. But I'll think about what you said, and thanks for taking the time to comment. Btw--your stuff is good (lowball votes notwithstanding).
Re: Untitled by frahj	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/4:30 PM
Raise the seat please, then lower it when finished. Thank you.