Re: a comment on Winter Wonderland by raven_the_poet	raven_the_poet 216.45.130.159	14-Feb-06/7:17 PM
I wrote it a long time ago.. I dunno.. any suggestions?
Re: a comment on A Midnight Call by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	14-Feb-06/6:39 PM
Al, I ain't Latin. but when a guy place himself in such a well set scene any girl would turn Latin. thanks a lot for reading my poem. I agree with zodiac's format, but still have a few doubts regarding it...which I am trying to figure out. I'm not familiar with the non rhyming pattern and probably that's what gets me confused with what I write. I noticed that even this piece has a bit of rhyming style to it. Unconsciously it sets in.
Re: a comment on A Midnight Call by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	14-Feb-06/6:32 PM
drnick.....:-), Thankyou for appreciating my poem. I don't expect many to relate to my poem, you included. and I don't expect you also to change your mind. Stay that way... God loves you for who you are and not what I want you to be. I'm serious about writing that poem. It's just that I'm blank about how to start. I'm praying for a good theme......and the words to flow with it. you pray too, to help me out, and that way we would get a beautiful poem. Sorry, the theme's you, right? Now for the matter! Start praying ol' pal!
Re: a comment on Valentine 2 by zodiac	zodiac 209.193.18.30	14-Feb-06/4:59 PM
The 'perhaps' throughout is my nod to AlChemy calling me out on the last one. The only thing that's sure in this poem is the ship blasting the island, which did really happen. Other than the last two poems, I've never put words in any real person's mouth except Jesus, who I figure is used to it.
Re: a comment on Valentine 2 by zodiac	zodiac 209.193.18.30	14-Feb-06/4:57 PM
This is going to come off as bragging whatever I say. I think I'm so worried about not saying things twice, I can barely make myself say anything once. Things I would have liked to include in this poem if I'd known how: - After killing Cook, the Hawaiians ate his flesh; - Clerke, Cook's second-in-command who took the Resolution home after Cook's death, had tuberculosis even then, from voluntarily spending a year in debtor's prison to cover his brother's debt. That said, I think the two poems complete each other. The secret Gusenberg never reveals is, I don't know, the misspent idealism and absurdity of it and love-death that Clerke is trying to express. That's the Valentine, for the Irish who cares or the native girl who doesn't. Honestly, though, I wish I'd made just one of the poems say that, or something better. Of the two, I think this gets the closest to where I want, with the girl leaving. And here I wish the poetry came out a little more.
Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	Dovina 67.72.98.83	14-Feb-06/4:53 PM
I struggle to relate any lovemaking I've known to cold or boiling. Soft - yes. Swarming buggles - maybe. Fingers running and dancing, fumbling - yes. But a kiss as a gasp for air - well, can't relate. A chill that burns - yes, right on. But frigid despair - that's a let-down. The next part eludes me. But blissful abyss is okay. And only to die as the suds die - yes. And I don't like the last two lines. Just an opinion.
Re: a comment on Happy 40th Anniversary by Dovina	Dovina 67.72.98.83	14-Feb-06/4:41 PM
Yes, I think those are good conmments, worthy of consideration in a rewrite. So unlike your comment on my prior one which seemed designed to antagonize, not to help.
Re: a comment on Happy 40th Anniversary by Dovina	Dovina 67.72.98.83	14-Feb-06/4:40 PM
If second graders really thought up those lines and were not prompted some teacher, then they, not me, have the fabric of wishes.
Re: a comment on Escape by raven_the_poet	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/4:02 PM
Yes, but I don't think he was near New York at the time.
Re: The Struggling Poet's Lament by Ranger	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/4:00 PM
It almost comes across as a love poem. Nice approach. Some great lines.
Re: Sonnet for Snow by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/3:54 PM
Very natural in every sense.
Re: a comment on Escape by raven_the_poet	Ranger 62.252.32.15	14-Feb-06/3:54 PM
I belive that the description of a man allegedly involved in the real murder was a very accurate description of Poe himself; I'm sure there were other details too, but that's the one I remember.
Re: Valentine 2 by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/3:49 PM
I think at your core you're a story teller. That's what you gift is. I think stories are harder than poems and story poems are the hardest to do of them all. Your poems are usually like scenes to a greater story. Both your Valentines leave us wanting more, the cop who never gets his answer, the captain that never is given a proper send off. This is the theme I get from it. Death is about what didn't happen but could have. By the way I love the differences between the two Valentines.
Re: Valentine 2 by zodiac	Ranger 62.252.32.15	14-Feb-06/3:44 PM
Love the description of the gunfire into trees. Forgive my lack of historical knowledge - are the quotes factually accurate, or are they artistic license, zodiac-style?
Re: change (3rd draft) by Adriaan	Ranger 62.252.32.15	14-Feb-06/3:41 PM
Ah...it's tricky to know what to say about a haiku, particularly a short haiku (or whatever the technical name is for this structure, 3-5-2, sounds like a football formation) but this has so much scope for descriptive imagery. I want to say 'describe the hermit, describe where he's sitting, describe the leaves, describe how they're falling' etc. etc. etc. but I have this nagging feeling that it would actually detract from the purpose of this poem; it retains a clarity in its brevity that is actually quite refreshing. And I'm rambling. If only Kaolin had made a comment compressor to shift through the rubbish in my comments so as to find any kernels of usefulness that might remain.
Re: a comment on Journeyman by Glasseyez	Ranger 62.252.32.15	14-Feb-06/3:24 PM
Poetry for dummies? You're long past that stage, in my view. You're right not to want to change this poem radically, in fact there's nothing that 'needs' changing, beyond a little editing for the grammatical side - just to make it read a little smoother. However I would really like to see a version of this as extended; expand the imagery that you've already started. It feels like you have ideas and pictures that haven't quite manifested themselves in here yet...let your imagination run riot and see what it creates. I'd suggest keeping this one as is and posting it again extended, which would give you the text to go back to and compare the two.
Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	ecargo 167.219.88.140	14-Feb-06/3:21 PM
Fire and ice, air and un-air - bonus points for making "cold boiling" work. Cool.
Re: a comment on Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/3:15 PM
This is going to be a hard fix because the "S" words seem to give me that ocean sound and the "B" and "D" words give my bubble sounds and the scattered rhymes and half rhymes seem to fit in as well. So I still want to keep those things in mind when making adjustments. Besides it's a silly little love poem. It has little logic to me, only an abstract feeling I felt that I could think of no better way to describe. But you're right on most accounts, definitely on the "bones they know" part. I'll let you get back to the new recruits we've picked up here. You surely have your work cut out for you.
Re: Journeyman by Glasseyez	ecargo 167.219.88.140	14-Feb-06/3:06 PM
Yeah, Ranger's right, I think--four of the seven seas; you'll slide right over the "of" so it doesn't really throw off the rhythm. This would make some decent lyrics. Forget Poetry for Dummies; more Johnny Cash.
Re: a comment on Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	14-Feb-06/2:50 PM
I missed the boat. Found out she was engaged. I figured it's Valentine's Day, might as well post a love poem.