Re: a comment on Hairball by jessicazee	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/1:29 PM
bow'ls.
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/1:11 PM
Syrup sugar drips from wounds Feasting ants and wasps arrive
Re: a comment on Hairball by jessicazee	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/1:05 PM
Absolutely nothing wrong with ambiguity, as you'll know if you've read your Empson.
Re: a comment on Hairball by jessicazee	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/1:04 PM
Why does everyone have to try and write haiku exactly as the Japanese write it? I don't see what's so awfully horrendously terrible about writing a 5-7-5 poeme with Western devices and still calling it an haiku.
Re: a comment on Hairball by jessicazee	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/1:03 PM
lol
Re: Llamas by Skamper	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/1:02 PM
Enjoyable. I'm not certain that the title has any more bearing than association with some of the images, but it's probably worth more thought than I can give right now. 'Slide your new tongue between the cracks' made me think of weeds growing through paving slabs - but I'm not sure if you want that ambiguity (i.e. the contrast with 'a polished way to speak'). I think it works wonderfully though, and I do intend to think more about this later. One instant suggestion - you might want to get rid of 'the' from line 2; it could be a personal preference but I prefer as few definite articles as possible in a short space. Good poem.
Re: A twisted Trail in Eden’s Garden by Dovina	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/12:57 PM
I thought the title said 'A twisted Trail in Edna's Garden'. How terrifying would that be? As for the poeme itself, it's well written. If I were to be picky (and I am) then my only suggestion might be to change 'before' to something that doesn't start on a soft stress. It's not a particularly important crit though.
Re: Guarded Fool by drnick	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/12:53 PM
Like it. Reminds me of a passage from Slaughterhouse 5 - "How nice - to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive".
Re: a comment on the magic rock by nypoet22	Ranger 81.103.124.179	25-Mar-07/12:48 PM
I don't see the problem.
Re: Guarded Fool by drnick	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/12:18 PM
This must be about children. You teach them rules and in psychoguff terms they internalise those rules and then when the rules are removed they grow into upstanding chaps. The poem is rubbish if my theory is incorrect.
Re: a comment on Guarded Fool by drnick	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/12:14 PM
Join a woman. How about superglue her ear to her toe.
Re: the magic rock by nypoet22	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/12:10 PM
The last verse is out of kilter. The poem is the narrator pondering certain questions but then he says to not blame Moses.
Re: Hairball by jessicazee	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/12:01 PM
Haiku should be two images that intersect. This isn't. Also it is ambiguous. Are you thanking the cat for wiping it up or for making it.
Re: Oops by John Rambo	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:54 AM
Dear God.
Re: The Finding by Skamper	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:42 AM
The finding, and the searching for that matter, sounds terribly portentious. I think the pome needs something more concrete to convince that there is something behind the shadows.
Re: Paper Maker by Skamper	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:39 AM
I disagree with JZ. There are a lot of prepositions but I think that is down to person style and not necessarily a fault. Arid air is a terrible cliche.
Re: The Search by Skamper	richa 81.179.219.225	25-Mar-07/11:35 AM
The grammar and syntax seems all over the place, there are fragments that make sense. In the first couple of lines where does 'odd' come from. Like the lady with her tales about cats being unpoisonable. Not sure where Darwin awards? comes into it and the bit about reward, not sure about that either. In verse 2 caused 'it' is problematic, what exactly is 'it' (other than an anaphoric island). Like the primordial stew bit in verse 3 but 'The man who demanded of the three-legged dance says' the man who demanded what of the three-legged dance. The final verse is better but the final two lines are a bit rubbish.
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	nypoet22 66.229.62.180	25-Mar-07/9:28 AM
Organic pluots burst, roll, touch, tickle palates bred pink to hold them
Re: a comment on Hairball by jessicazee	jessicazee 65.30.187.185	25-Mar-07/4:14 AM
Thanks. I really find my idea of haiku (5-7-5) is the funnest poetry ever! Omigod! Oh my f-ing God! I can't remember that song, something something yeah.
Re: a comment on Paper Maker by Skamper	jessicazee 65.30.187.185	25-Mar-07/4:08 AM
I mean starting each line in that stanza with "the", "of" (twice), "in", etc. Your intended statements deserve the implied understanding that your audience is literate. Translation: your great writing is still poetry in sentences, in fact your really great writing! For example: throw them behind the mind of one with shoulder-shrug cares who watches the lacerations of the she -- stripped bare in declaration of paper cut wearing -- lacking depth but stinging all the same That was fun.