al-naafiysh
replying on The Man I Love by Dovina
15 Feb 2005, 10:43 PM
Do you think love is a form of discrimination?
I doubt it anyone would be able to understand it.
"Maybe they just donât have any love in their lives" is great considering I'm more than averagely happily married and you're writing poems about watching couples have sex on frontseats and dating the Gilette Man.
Why are you affecting an accent?
"I believe that the world is flat" is true, provided wilco actually believes it. Considering he went through the effort of writing this poem, the least we can do is give him the benefit of the doubt on that one.
Dovina and Dar_Angel: Thanks much for your nice comments. Dovina, you're right, this shouldn't be "Concrete." I was a little confused over all the categories, but now I understand. However, I can't change it without losing the current comments/votes, so it'll have to stay as such for now. Thanks again for the reviews.
You appear to be in complete agreement with the Deleted User above. perhaps a déjà vu of some fantasy in dream-like romantic menory.
Imagery is certainly an element of the Sacred Showing. While this sermon uses some imagery, it's basically telling us how to act, and I like it that way.
I don't think that's what they mean by "Show don't tell," not that I have ever condoned that most overused of comment templates. I've always thought it basically meant "use imagery." You can write a poeme that both SHOWS and PREACHES. I imagine it would look something like a parable with line breaks :(
A lot of these lines are just silly, but "Never believe anyone who doubts your trust" makes sense.
lol. It's not clear whether you're serious or poking fun, and that makes it a good poem.
I don't think you should call it Concrete.
Please don't call this a sonnet. Thank you, I feel better now.
The first half is a nice little sermon on using small hurts to our advantage. Some will say that all preaching in poetry is bad. "Show, don't tell," they chant endlessly. But I like your little sermon. Then you get weird with the lukewarm thing, as if you might be bringing Scripture into it. And when God talks, well, it seems like a another way of saying to use hurts to our advantage.
Perhaps it was because you had some wonderful insight about the middle east and people dying or whatever and then you proceeded to write as vaguely as possible.
A transcript from Africa: "If I were a negro perhaps I would be able to tell the difference between different negroes. However I am not a negro and to me all negroes look the same." Can the word negro be replaced by the word poet in the above passage and mutatis mutandis mean the same thing? [10]
See, ok, you wrote poetry here, and it's pretty good.
Geez, I guess I made you mad by not liking your HTML thingie. Sorry.
1) Experiment away. But don't expect everyone to like it every time.
2) I might find it amusing if I knew something about HTML. I don't. Therefore, I don't find it amusing. Don't get mad at me just because I don't know anything about HTML. I don't imagine that most people do. I'm glad your friend found it funny..but again: HE KNOWS HOW TO WRITE CODE.
3) RE: "I'm not saying its a work of genius, but I am DEFINITELY trying to do something original. I will NOT just "write the poem," thank you very much. All poetry sounds too similar...and I am trying something new." - This sounds very pompous. Perhaps all poetry does sound similar...this is because of something called form. It's always good to try new things, but don't fly off the friggin' handle just because someone doesn't like it.
It goes with the line preceeding it just as much as "Making it hard to sneeze." goes with the one before it does. These lines do not outrank each other in meaning. The same way that snippet means nothing... the entire first three stanzas mean nothing.
It does lack depth, but that's not what we're complaining about. The line "But only if they please" means absolutely nothing! You put it there only to rhyme with sneeze. That's what a forced rhyme is.
This may not include any extraordinary, groundbreaking discoveries in rhyme.... but the fact that a rhyme is apparent doesn't make it forced into the poem.
I love your opinions and everyone's.... I just love my opinions also. I don't mean to come off as snarky. Please feel obliged to never change how your think because of how my opinion might challenge yours.
I don't even really like this poem all that much either but it's not because of forced rhyming. I hate how it's so nonchalant and then dumps out an emotion at the end without giving any reasoning whatsoever. It lacks depth.
Wax poetic, will you? Sorry, my heart lacks a truncheon.
Obviously, I and my poem give more credit to a manâs character than his appearance.
I think Polynesians are mostly an attractive race. I suppose by your definition, that makes me racist.