Scratch the last line. The first 5 lines seem bulky, wordy.

No excuse. You start well.

"layed" in the first line. And I think what we go through for a hunk is more than a hunk goes through to get layed.

Boiled? But weren't those days in the valley sweet. Until the eruption, the realization of lies. Still it was sweet. Volcanic ash'll do that to an artichoke, as lies to a heart, but hey, shake off that ash, bloom, a little grayly maybe.

I like the thought; think perhaps the poem would work better if you just started it at "I used to always think", maybe ending one with one last line summarizing the cut lines--"I grieve for those lost days"

Um, oops?

and the wormy piles of colons strewn across the land glistened like thin wet rats and nobody listened. the side of the bus read "fuck off" and so i did, and spilled my drippings on the bloody red madness of the day in a skirt

ugh

not too carefully, I hope, or that 300 dismissal lingers, smoking a camel, right around the corner! I wonder about the words "venerated" and "fiasco", and whether you might not find something that crystalizes what you mean there a bit better. This was an absolute delight to read. It purred down the screen, finely oiled, smelling vaguely of Big Mac droppings and fat cubans. Your hair was dark and short. Nice touch. Just excellent writing and a 10 When are you due back to AP? Are you even coming back? I hope so. Things have grown a bit dull in your absence, and in the void you left, I am being attacked by all the illiterate teeny boppers, "U R an Ass. Do you get off mAkIng fun of kids with ADD?" etc etc etc...Also, I have some problems with the sound on my PC, so can't listen to the music you send me. Shame that. Trying to remedy

what?????

the whole metaphor is a bit silly, and that is good. and that rhyme at the end is funny, heart to choke never to bloom artichoke. I like artichoke hearts in a nice oily pasta salad, virgin and salami, some garden fresh cherry tomatoes and buffalo mozzarella, fresh of course.

Before reading this poem, I didn't know war was bad.

Jeremi B. Handrinos

"But stopped because the star was not the floor" is too cute. :-(

These are the rough lines: with old components, as you brush or soap, with stranger friends who blow us off with “Nope, - I can't say what's wrong with them exactly, except the first one should probably not have a "brush or" and the second is simply too run-on to end with Nope. I can't remember how it was before. I thought maybe better?

its' should be its. Artichoke, what?

Dear Christ this is bad. I mean, not just grammar bad, Though that's a big part of it. It's simply philosophically unsound, Callous to the extreme, Dangerous, And all around poorly conceived and phrased. To read this comment, please print it in a single line of text on a rock and fling it at your head. I'm being absolutely serious. So none of this 'zodiac just likes to pick out little things and ignore the blah blah blah' crap, please. PS-I just read your comment beginning "War is bad." Consider taking some of your own advice.