-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Getting Pumped Up to Get Laid by PodPoet
3 Mar 2005, 2:16 PM
lol
What about it? For a start, you plainly don't actually program in Lisp. No actual Lisp programmer puts end brackets on separate lines. And you haven't exploited Lisp's homoiconic (lol) nature at all, which is the only reason to use Lisp. Also, commenting the end of control structures is quaint, but pointless, and only seen in textbooks.
Furthermore, "hunger" is a terrible name for a function. Hunger is a thing. You can't "do" hunger. And Christ alone knows what 'fulfill-desires' does. Whatever it is, it evidently doesn't involve satisfying hunger, as that's taken care of in "hunger". And you don't use any function parameters, or declare any local variables. All your variables are global. They fail. You fail.
Aside from its bulbous demerits as a program, it's an utter swellington as a poeme. And that ain't good. -10-
'Training braw' is the best thing you've ever posted.
I like the audiance sarcasm in the first verse - a funny twist.
Good. I think you could make it stronger by cutting a few words -
"trance" - 3 adjectives in a row. And a line break after "secrets."
"so" in line 7
It always bothers me when people say they eat healthy food, as if the health of the food matters. What they think they are eating is healthful food. Thatâs what advertisers are promoting in products like breakfast cereal. On the other side are McDonalds and its look-alikes that promote tasty food which usually contains too much saturated fat (which could add to body weight but not necessarily; thatâs another use of the word âfat.â). The dichotomy is tasty fat verses healthful food.
So it goes throughout the 31 lines (counting blank lines) and 44 words â dichotomous pairs.
Filth
Very dull
Gritty.
Spaz.
Awful.
Scrap the first stanza, albeit with my fair regards- the rest I be liking. 8.9
A very common sentiment expressed -- very -- tritely. Considering that you're working with a sentiment most have experienced to some degree, your primary concern is not in endowing the reader with an understanding of it, but rather in the poeticizing of it. If you want to continue writing poetry, I suggest you experiment with the potential of poetic language: for instance, as an exercise, you might try writing this poem several different ways, each time using different imagery and metaphors. At the same time, however, retain the clearness of expression that you already seem to possess; as it stands, your poetry is more like banal prose. Avoid trite phraseology or word choices like: "once there was a time", "happy", "smile", "cry more than smile", "sorrow I feel is strong", "stranger", "nowhere to belong", "I wish", "sang me that song", "I'm empty", etc. Let your language off its leash! The opposite of banality is novelty, so seek to be novel -- but be sure to still communicate clearly. Then you will make progress.
Most of my poems I write real quick when it comes in my head, so I jot it down and always forget the punctuation. Im working on that and the grammar. I've been rereading my poetry journal and working on it so when I post stuff here or on my other site it will be ready.
As far as the content - thats my business. Im not trying to connect with anyone. Those were just the words that came to me one day. Im not saying its the greatest, but thats what made sense to me. Im not going to try and explain the situation other than it was more than a "friend dissing me."
..."in the paddleboat of our endless love"
This is a lot of fun.
Contrived crap
Eat healthfully? If you really believe advertising is some great contradiction because some people want you to spent your money on their tat and not someone else's but that someone else wants the opposite then I would at least suggest portraying these people asking you to be fat or to 'eat healthfully'. And what is the spacing all about, 44 words on 31 lines!