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Forsaken (Free verse) by DevilBuni On my own two legs I stand
With shattered heart in hand
I watch you flee in fear
While my eyes begin to tear
Unsure of what I've done
As you turn away and shun
The one you feared to lose
I never made you choose
Content with what we had
Now we are unable to go back
By the path that you had taken
Friendship is forsaken
Up the ladder:
Fingers Are Soldiers
Down the ladder:
That One Time Last Summer, Remember?
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.25
Posted: February 28, 2005 2:48 PM PST; Last modified: February 28, 2005 2:48 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.2682066 Overall Rank: 3924 Comments:
154 view(s)
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- Don't invert word order for a rhyme.
- Don't cripple grammar for a rhyme.
- Don't rhyme fear/tear, choose/lose, stand/hand, or taken/forsaken. An easy rule is: if any song I've ever heard does it, don't.
- The way you continue sentences through lines like the ones ending in 'shun' and 'back' is really good. The rest of the lines seem poorly connected and mostly for rhyme's sake.
- Punctuate.
- Don't write poems about friends dissing and you don't know why.
As far as the content - thats my business. Im not trying to connect with anyone. Those were just the words that came to me one day. Im not saying its the greatest, but thats what made sense to me. Im not going to try and explain the situation other than it was more than a "friend dissing me."