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Forsaken (Free verse) by DevilBuni
On my own two legs I stand With shattered heart in hand I watch you flee in fear While my eyes begin to tear Unsure of what I've done As you turn away and shun The one you feared to lose I never made you choose Content with what we had Now we are unable to go back By the path that you had taken Friendship is forsaken

Up the ladder: Awakening
Down the ladder: timebomb

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.25
Weighted score: 5.2682066
Overall Rank: 3931
Posted: February 28, 2005 2:48 PM PST; Last modified: February 28, 2005 2:48 PM PST
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Comments:
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.11.12 | 28-Feb-05/10:00 PM | Reply
Some real advice for once:

- Don't invert word order for a rhyme.
- Don't cripple grammar for a rhyme.
- Don't rhyme fear/tear, choose/lose, stand/hand, or taken/forsaken. An easy rule is: if any song I've ever heard does it, don't.
- The way you continue sentences through lines like the ones ending in 'shun' and 'back' is really good. The rest of the lines seem poorly connected and mostly for rhyme's sake.
- Punctuate.
- Don't write poems about friends dissing and you don't know why.
[n/a] DevilBuni @ 149.152.192.18 > zodiac | 2-Mar-05/7:48 PM | Reply
Most of my poems I write real quick when it comes in my head, so I jot it down and always forget the punctuation. Im working on that and the grammar. I've been rereading my poetry journal and working on it so when I post stuff here or on my other site it will be ready.

As far as the content - thats my business. Im not trying to connect with anyone. Those were just the words that came to me one day. Im not saying its the greatest, but thats what made sense to me. Im not going to try and explain the situation other than it was more than a "friend dissing me."
[10] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > DevilBuni | 6-Mar-05/7:24 AM | Reply
Do you really think we want to read something you haven't put more than a few minutes' effort into?
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