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Forsaken (Free verse) by DevilBuni

On my own two legs I stand With shattered heart in hand I watch you flee in fear While my eyes begin to tear Unsure of what I've done As you turn away and shun The one you feared to lose I never made you choose Content with what we had Now we are unable to go back By the path that you had taken Friendship is forsaken

zodiac 28-Feb-05/10:00 PM
Some real advice for once:

- Don't invert word order for a rhyme.
- Don't cripple grammar for a rhyme.
- Don't rhyme fear/tear, choose/lose, stand/hand, or taken/forsaken. An easy rule is: if any song I've ever heard does it, don't.
- The way you continue sentences through lines like the ones ending in 'shun' and 'back' is really good. The rest of the lines seem poorly connected and mostly for rhyme's sake.
- Punctuate.
- Don't write poems about friends dissing and you don't know why.




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