jroday
replying on "America The Beautiful" by jroday
16 Mar 2005, 4:18 PM
you're so damn right!
idealism is nice - but will it put bread on the tables of all these people u discuss?
LOL. Yeah. I got that.
WOW! I'm lacking anything to say, other then this poem is brilliant. So touching, so deep. utterly amazing, I disagree with the comments of it being to lengthly. Perfection is all i can think of.
****10****
~Autumn
What are you using as "substitutionary bread" in a bar? Pretzels?
Other than that(My own silly curious nature), good comparison.
Think pool, and a pool shark.
You are. Maybe that will be enough. If I were writing this one I would have screwed it up at the end with some trite comment about someone passing the joint or bottle over to me. Good thing you wrote it instead.
Good work on an easy form made difficult (and better}.
We all see the world through glass. I see it through the glass of a wine bottle. Sometimes I see the world through the glass of the Cathode Ray Tube. Glass is(at least)obvious where our own prejudices and cultural filters are not.
I'll never go to another steakhouse bar and feel secular again. JJ's Steakhouse Church is a holey (sic) place
So did she. You've been toyed with.
You've described a lot of folks here, I think. There's strength in admitting weakness, but slaughter too. Just a warning about the wolves. As for your writing, it has poetntial, I think, but try going over it a few more times, sitting on it a a day or two before posting. There are some obvious errors in this and some repetitions that I could point out, but which you will find if you go over it a few more times. Hang in.
A bad trip, a delusion, a hoped-for victory lost.
The waiters are more related to ushers, I think, than elders. I used the idea of transubstantiation in âsip the bloodâ but might try to work the word in too.
what a loaf.
Some sort of concrete imagery would not hurt this. I feel left out.
Cute. Except that two lines seem to have inexplicably become detached from both the first and second verses of this two verse poem.
The metaphor is too clumsy. If the setting is a bar make the setting a bar. Gently allude to the nature of a church, the wine, amen, comfort etc. There is no way in the world we can be expected to assume the elders are waiters. How about using a religious word like transubstantiation figuratively.
By the grace of god, I no longer visit churches _or_ bars. Thanks for the explanation. One of the better things about poemranker: it's interesting to get inside the mind of the poet. Of course, this is one of the worst parts of poemranker, as well: the mind of a poet can be an ugly place. The poem makes much more sense now. Thanks for clarifying.
"Last but not least could we get of this poor womans comment page, I'm sure no one wants to hear what you or myself has to say to eachother. "
Interesting comment to write on "this poor woman's comment page."
I suppose irony is a foreign concept.
then you go on to apologize to those who have had to read all this crap, while posting MORE CRAP.
Beautiful stuff.