pete
on Crotchety Old Geezer by Dovina
17 Aug 2007, 6:45 AM
innit though ?!
i love the last two lines. the first is okay but... thumping what? this might benefit from the "show, don't tell" paradigm.
I'm guessing this is a WWII poem, but that's just a guess. This feels like an incomplete story. As such, it's okay to force your readers to infer some things, but I would like some more sensory detail to give a better clue as to the identities of the participants.
I want some liner notes to this. T.S. Eliot? Beuller?
I have to agree with nypoet - the first line is a little awkward, the last two need the leadup to be as visually stunning as they are.
go to the music shop and find some Cake, take it home, listen to it...sigh...
Nice flow and rhythm Amanda. You paint a perfect picture as the first line suggests. Very nice work.
If only these douchebags could hear you sing, Mel.
It's hard to judge lyrics without music, but you do have some fine lines here.
what is this about
i'm totally senrued out
shouts....and grabs his throat!
aaaaarrgghhh ...... 7points
Why should you give a fuck about Hank? Or, for that matter, Ginsberg, Frost, Sandberg and Homer? They own the past. You should own the future.
I can see this poem is not about the return of your mind.
Quite like it. I'm not sure if you are imagining conversation between chairs it needs to be silent (chairs would hardly be communicating in subtle gestures). Talking in silence has become a bit of a cliche. I like the firework simile and the old soldiers bit. The disembodied sandals are a bit peculiar but the poem is supposed to be fantastical so it kind of works.
Is calomine an alternate spelling of calamine, and was the vineyard actually a grove of poison ivy?
yes we do
Who gave this a zero and didn't comment? It is hard to work the word chitin into a poem! Nice mix of the literal and metaphoric: carpenter as god, carpenter ant, etc.
mmm-mmm good
justice?
in the stock market?