wilco
on some deleted poem
16 Jul 2004, 12:44 PM
Happy Birthday DGB.
Very nice meter, though I'd re-touch the end of the first line of stanza two.
The subject is "pimply", but I've seen a worse applications of it.
If you're up to it, I'd notch the agony level down a bit, maybe with some images that either describe this feeling you want to convey, or something else.
Or, as an intermediate fix, make the last stanza focus soley on the remedy while keeping the second to last as a transition from this agony to hope.
I really like this poem. The images are phenomenal. :)
~10~
I know this isn't very good, it needs quite a bit of work. I'd appreciate any positive suggestions. :)
This is great. Bravo!
ok...?
LMAO this is great! hahahaha. A ten no doubt.
Do you think this poem sounds sexier, or less sinful, because it's in Spanish.
HINT: Either way, you're wrong!
KIDS, PLAY NICE or daddy will delete the poem and you'll have to play at someone else's house.
very very nice
no understando espanoli. So no el voto.
So do you believe in God or not?
Very pretty, like the feign of line two to three on the first verse. No need for full stops after each verse.
Very sensual, pleasing.
When I think of southern USA, I imagine swamps and those boats that look a bit like hovercrafts, and men with dungarees and pitchforks and pigs under their arms. And also of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Maybe you should work these things into your poem.
Genius.
With a £1000 tart.
A plump -0- for you.
I presume this who you were talking about when you said:
'If you were to ever meet Fraser you would find his swollen corpulent legs so risible as to render your comment redundant.
As it is unlikely you ever will let me describe for you a recent account of him visting his tailor:
Fraser: "I should like a suit please"
Tailor: "And how do you propose I measure sirs legs sir?"
Fraser: "I don't know"
Tailor: "Does sir have a trundle wheel?"'
I find it difficult to believe a man's legs could be so distended whilst the rest of his body is seemingly so unworthy of comment. Perhaps you just have an unhealthy interest in flabby thighs.
Nevertheless, a stirling effort.
The first verse reminds me of the book of Revelation.