Stephen Robins
on Four and a half paragraphs of silence by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
20 Jul 2004, 1:41 AM
This is very close to my poem "projective verse". However you have made it your own by excluding the word quim.
A fine sentiment expressed in the most honest fashion. I think it may be improved by changing "or do street drugs" to "or get wacked out on spaz biscuits".
An overfull lavatory awaiting a flush.
This poem would be ten times better if something more imaginitive had happened causing you to be in her arms.
The only beef I have here is the -she gasps- line. It goes rap-ish on me. I understand the need for the pampers but it seems a little funny. Still not reason enough to diss. Also the fact that it's a two parter adds to the greatness of them. Both should be on the toptwenty in my opinion. Does Mia sample Cheerios in the same fashion as the stick? That is my favorite line. 10*2. And, welcome.
mmm-hmmm.
Verse 1 needs a look at the wording, "possession"
The rest is pretty good.
How else can we keep four or five of you on the string at once?
Nicely said, and by one who can also do the form if desired.
well i definitely know how this feels...
i liked the 4th stanza...
It's a funeral in verses 1 and 2. But when daughters laugh, I wonder. Verse 4 doesn't seem to follow.
Verse 2 is both puzzling and intriguing because either statement could apply to either of the positions in Verse 1 depending on how you look at it.
Verse 3 "as human beings"
Verse 4 states your position on the matter, and seems best left out.
You might want to classify this as Prose Poetry.
Use prepositions or punctuation in the first verse, or this:-
'ee Bombling breet par facien eeepeee'
becomes this:-
'brazque gumprij ist wozzeling kumwa raosicon nebluspi
mit cucheen ij bloot.'
Boxcars like coffins returning from war, good.
okay, I took a few translational liberties - sue me, it rhymes better this way :O)
Gawd. i've got so much reading/catching up to do!
Bravo. I like the undertones.
poor guy he died
Nice Poem