Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

Wednesday's Breaking (Free verse) by poetandknowit
It is five fifty-nine, morning light maneuvers through drawn blinds, an alarm shrill will disturb peaceful birdsongs any minute now, a house dog will soon beg for food, the roommate across the hallway will wrestle from brief hibernation for a quick shower, coffee will be brewed and the early edition dispersed over the breakfast table as the day bursts forth like any other. But in this last quiet she, wide awake, this woman I am coming to love, forms tight against my dead shape still clogged with restless haze fighting any conscious effort toward movement. Her lips pressed easy to my neck, legs twisting warmth into dawn's chill, skin faint with last night, exploring into the late hours beneath an electric glow just to be sure once again. And I wonder if this is the last time, the only time I will feel safe in her arms.

Down the ladder: 22nd Anniversary

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 22
.. 30
.. 30
.. 20
.. 00
.. 10
.. 01
.. 00
.. 10
.. 10
.. 21

Arithmetic Mean: 6.1578946
Weighted score: 6.1029806
Overall Rank: 1129
Posted: September 29, 2002 7:59 PM PDT; Last modified: September 29, 2002 7:59 PM PDT
View voting details
Comments:
[8] heroditus @ 217.35.80.128 | 30-Sep-02/12:49 AM | Reply
I enjoyed it and thought it made sense until ..exploring into the late hours...8/10
[8] god'swife @ 209.179.213.195 | 30-Sep-02/1:36 PM | Reply
Left me with a sad creepy feeling.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.188.72 | 1-Oct-02/11:51 AM | Reply
I wish my wife spooned me like that! Forgive me if I take this at face value. No,wait... You are the roommate, the dead shape is the bed? I have to understand depth before I can write it. Yes?
[8] Venus @ 198.81.26.139 | 2-Oct-02/11:18 PM | Reply
8/10
[2] Dariana @ 172.174.110.178 | 4-Oct-02/5:13 AM | Reply
Eerie, or possibly the word is "different"? Still thinking on this one which is a good thing.
[5] Blue Magpie @ 62.176.75.110 | 10-Oct-02/5:51 AM | Reply
Are you sure the alarm will disturb the bird song, or just your appreciation of, surely the birds will keep singing.

The message is fine, but I think the 2nd stanza could do with some work, it is difficult to read presently.
[10] limonade @ 198.164.250.237 | 12-Oct-02/1:13 PM | Reply
The first stanza doesn't have the power of the second. The birdsongs, the house dog, the roommate are distant from the scene not in that they're not involved with the scene, but in that they don't seem real at all. To me, the way you present them makes them completely lifeless and irrelevant to the action. I would work on everything before "will wrestle from"

Why "dead shape"?
[n/a] poetandknowit @ 65.101.212.79 > limonade | 13-Oct-02/7:00 PM | Reply
Dead shape is there for a reason, and in your critique, you have pointed out exactly part of the poem's intentions. So, think on it some more. Mr. Magpie, you have valid points and I am working through them. thanks.
[9] richa @ 81.178.242.35 | 20-Jul-04/4:31 AM | Reply
This poem would be ten times better if something more imaginitive had happened causing you to be in her arms.
199 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001