Bachus
on The Downfall of a Pagan Man by somemorepoetry
18 Aug 2004, 6:53 AM
Epic
Unusual. A chorus that is longer than the verse.
-10- for "God is most certainly in everything we choose to miss."
very good ..that's a nice poem ..i like it
The old long boarder(10'6") understands the last four lines best.
A is for artichoke (less phallic than asparagus). Your trip to Ireland has made you a consummate toastmistress. Make mine Merlot. -9-
very good that's a nice poem...i like it
Xanax, Prozac, Zoloft are all little Dutch boys with their fingers in the dyke. The dyke is Swiss cheese. The water is full of hungry mice and we are all living on the edge of Disneyland. Know a good pharmacist?
I agree with INTRANSIT. You've got a lot better than this in you.
better than the last one I read. -8-
thats a whole lotta y.
I like this one too, but the rhyme takes away from it, I think.
I counted four spelling and grammar mistakes in the first verse. Yes, I'm a prude. But I also look at content and see a lot here, especially in the last two lines.
I really like the analogies to a river, "like rivers flow downstream and fatten out at the mouth," for example. A long poem, flows well, interseting, but many will not take the time.
"Weâve become the people we swore we'd never be." How many of the young smartoffs on this site will ever say that. Come to think of it, I donât think Iâll ever say it. âBut weâre here despite ourselvesâ and your song says it well.
The last time I saw you on chat, some jerk calling himself âwiIcoâ was trying his clumsy hand at impersonation (Notice the capital âIâ) Kinda takes the fun out of it ya let it. Oh well, if I had something worthwhile to do, I wouldnât be on chat. You can always use email.
Youâve got some complicated wording here. Maybe itâs a first draft, a verbose spilling. Some stuff could be cut/simplified to a better result, unless you have some underhanded urge to confuse. Sometimes I like to get a draft done, post it, keep my mind off it for a day then go back to it and revise. Iâm more critical and less attached that way. Ever feel like you haven't quite hit the mark you were shootin for? And the more you mess with a poem the more you see it cripple-like and dwarfed? Sometimes my poems get better in form as I tweak them, but worse in spirit, the law of sacrifice, or the law of political trading. Your poem has good lines and good images, but I have trouble following it.
this, i think, goes further than other-of-i-have-seen. the "Maas" makes me want to guess in that direction, but i feel cautious tonight...
I was born and raised in the San Gabriel mountains.
Is it Uranus?