unknown^user
on On the Bank of Lake Michigan by jessicazee
12 May 2005, 8:49 AM
good imagery
*belief instead of believe
Comes off as somewhat pretentious, and loses its focus somewhat in the third part (after "because they are the same").
Somehow the title and the last line are alien to to the rest. Otherwise funny.
Is an alwife a fish that spawns on the beach of Lake Michigan? The last line needs some help.
It tackles too many topics in the second half to be strong in any of them. Would do better to stick with the "I can influence the future" theme.
I don't get it.
Always a super feeling when you escape without waking them up.
I like it. Could be better...I don't know exactly. I'll leave it to you...It's good as it is...or make it great.
Not near as good as the other Lake Michigan one.
I'm not sure why I like it...I do, but I'm not sure why...short-haired chest line bothers me for some reason...
Kind of makes sens in a nonsensey sort of way...I think you could put quotes around the parts where they're talking to help it read a little easier.
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you....
So...people go...and read their poetry...on a microphone...to other people...what'll they think of next?!
The third stanza is a bit out of place and actually redundant. Unless the significance of 'errant' escaped me?
I read the last stanza two ways. Morbid me.
with Can't it would read more fluent. Same with
sometimes for things I should avoid but: 'sometimes for things to avoid but'
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
12 May 2005, 7:44 PM
Infuriating when a glossy 8 gets besmirched by a So-so vote, for which no further motivation is given. But probably my disposition is now showing
I like the dreamy feel of this. I think "t h e r e" is unnecessary, italics or not. And after "your task" it seems a dash would bre better than a semicolon. In the last verse, it seems They should be they. The two "look"s should omit the comma, I think, for consistency.