zodiac
on Vote Goats by ALChemy
6 Jun 2005, 5:59 AM
If I told you my name is John Updike, would that make a difference?
Yes, you'd say, Ha ha, more like 'Up Johndick'.
Real mature. -10-
Good but for knowing it's a silly punchline with poem attached. At least you're writing about real culture now. -10-
Do you mean "hoped"?
How long is "almost a few years"?
How long is "always forever"?
I'd like to submit that you really meant 'joped'. And it makes more sense that way.
Except for "pretends only he be humble", which is incomprehensible, the best oldey talk you've ever written.
its hope. No apostrophe.
Nice. assistent should be assistant.
Please try to not post comments explaining your poems. -10-
Its' so much fun to do things like -non sense-! I love splitting words or slamming them together to change meaning. Too fun.
Cool lyrics...by the way..thanks for the 10:)!!
Thank you all for your comments. Some classier than others. It was a poem I penned out quickly in response to those who would rather insult you than help you.
It would make a good song though.
I like it... I can relate to this.. a lot of people can
I like the rhyming in the poem. It really enhanced the fact that you're trying to tell the readers how this person is lost. Keep up the good work^^!!
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
6 Jun 2005, 3:45 AM
Five lines, fourteen words. We all make typors, but an author can check this batch in a nanosecond. By not doing this you show contempt for your readers.
>>Sun rises a ball of red<<
But he's heading for a descent, right? Why not
'sun swells a ball of red'? Better alliteration to 'afternoon' and 'valley' this way.
The second part shows quite strong images.
Do you mean "comes summer's answer" or "come summer's answers"? Or is there another subject somewhere I haven't noticed?
Would you consider dropping the last line? I liked it the first time, though. Really.
The title made me think of both the actual Smoky Mountains, in my home part of the world, and the Rocky Mountains of the song. Neither of which are referenced in the poem.
PS-I do wish you'd stop taking Shuushin's word about end-line punctuation.
PPS-Very good, overall.
Had to fumble with my interpretation mode...I did my best, but this simply isn't my kind of teacup. A windblown story, a chaotic 'poem'.
I hope the last line does not express regret over not having had an abortion, it would be too much... I'm probably way off.
Am I oldfashioned? Yes, I'm oldfashioned.