Re: Ice mask by Caducus	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	7-Jun-05/10:11 AM
This is quite good but should be edited a bit. Stanza 1, line 2: it's not a pretty word, but I do miss 'that' after 'mask'. Purely for rhythmic means. Stanza 3. Why the punct in line 1? lines 4/5: alive in my dreams where they have her blue eyes, her lips and God calls them bastards (This line-chopping is not really necessary; just to heighten the drama a bit) that it doesn’t melt, not even in hell 'that it never melts'? The poem reflects that something has been lost forever. as love lived in me. When she killed it I don't quite understand this. The one who died at twenty is the victim, as I see it. But she also kills him, or at least his love for her. And what's with the children? They're not his? They were never realised? I read this from the perspective of a male. So what's with the white dress? He was denied her virginity? Complex, complex... This is really a poem I would like to see clarified.
Re: Snow by lil_evil_boi	lil_evil_boi 142.22.186.7	7-Jun-05/10:17 AM
Due to the huge "discussion" and disagreement about the poem 'Faith', I decide to delete the poem to prevent further misunderstanding.
Re: Ice mask by Caducus	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/12:01 PM
The first three verses are good. Then it gets weird. The widow and the girl who died at 20 seem unrelated to the one you start with. "older than she"
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/12:03 PM
A good idea, not well written.
Re: he's leaving by eliznhaz	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/12:07 PM
Tender, but too close to the way I really think it will be. Give me imagery to cover my sorrow.
Re: Ice mask by Caducus	SupremeDreamer 67.150.56.14	7-Jun-05/1:24 PM
The widow was a metaphoric personification- demons, goddess, infant ghosts, etc are various dimensions that make up the whole. Or thats how I interpreted and construed the fourth stanza anyway. "older than her" is good as is... Savoring this piece was a pleasure Caducus-- fulfilled and blessed in my kinship with its nostalgic melanchony and subtle yearning. A Recherche Ouzo to behold indeed.
regarding some deleted poem...	SupremeDreamer 67.150.56.14	7-Jun-05/1:44 PM
Perhaps putting a little more thought and taking your time editing the molten verse would result in a more refined and satisfying fruit-- Something more likely to ferment well in the readers mind. That is, if you're lookin to sharpen the bite of that ruffled 'n dull quill dribblin all-over your desk. Three be it's mark, its soul dull & stark.
regarding some deleted poem...	SupremeDreamer 67.150.56.14	7-Jun-05/1:57 PM
a still-born reaching and flailing in the mental ocean-- splashes mark the day the seadragon failed to grip substance and seize the graceful brilliance of the sky. Blessed with five.
Re: Up Close at a Distance by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/2:27 PM
I like the mixture of emotions and the overiding passion. The ~ 's in ther first verse are a nice touch. Wish you'd used them in the second.
Re: Haiku String of the Bee by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/2:31 PM
I think haiku is not the best form for this. And "love for queen" seems unlikely.
Re: The Comedy of Mighty Rockmage: Combatting Old Age. by Don-Quixote	ALChemy 65.188.92.49	7-Jun-05/3:44 PM
You'd think you would have vented all your hostility in your poetry but your cup overflows don't it. This guy must be the thorn in your side. Here's a band-aid -10-
Re: Amalgam - 7th iteration by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	7-Jun-05/3:45 PM
Strong ending. I would delete 'glowing' and try to find a substitute for the glowing in 'algae'
Re: -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	SupremeDreamer 67.150.50.219	7-Jun-05/3:58 PM
You'd be better off without these parts methinks-- tad pimpled and cliched bits: "But in the air the song still hangs and justice floats away in floods of blood. Making rivers out of streets" & "Ask yourself. What should we do? What should be done? Or be like the rest and say fuck CNN. and turn Baywatch back on." That aside, here's a seven.
Re: -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	7-Jun-05/4:02 PM
If you still don't understand why your 'Red Alert' was chopped, Dan GB, then take a look at this. It reads well, it's emotionally involved without getting squishy, it's what you can call a hard-hitter. But poems like these are not without risk: in losing objectivity. I would say that too much objectivity was Dan's specific problem. So it's a walk on the knife edge, or however the saying goes. The last stanza is a bit too moralistic to my taste. Or rather; the images represent a (predictable) stereotype.
Re: Amphetamine Witches & Scrabble by Bachus	darby pyn 207.200.116.130	7-Jun-05/4:20 PM
I love this poem, rant. you have great sarcasm.
Re: As the Flowers Bloom by nothingtoanyone	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/5:30 PM
Are you a drone in love with a female worker. They have no interest in the likes of you as they bring home the nectar while you loaf about the hive.
Re: Chthonic Steppenwolf by SupremeDreamer	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/5:41 PM
Good, but words like mordant, cicatrize and chthonic are off-putting when familiar words will do. "Child spirit ripped apart, splayed across the rocks of time" - good line
Re: -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/5:45 PM
Very good up to the last verse. I'd end it with "Kids are easy to kill." When you get preachy, it loses a lot of force.
Re: -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	ALChemy 65.188.92.49	7-Jun-05/6:52 PM
I think you might be right about the last verse. It was a bad Idea to drop pop culture into this and the shame on you message is redundant. The second verse was intended to point out the rest of the worlds ignorance to what was going on but I think I can change the last part a little to add to my point. But I'll have to work on that later.
Re: on my hog by nentwined	Dovina 69.175.32.185	7-Jun-05/7:16 PM
Rocks only sit on pavement when seven beats are needed in the second line of a haiku. Otherwise they are just on pavement, which sounds better. Damn forms.