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on my hog (Haiku) by nentwined
three chambered ka-booms two rocks sitting on pavement fly from my approach


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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.8
Weighted score: 4.9
Overall Rank: 9841
Posted: June 7, 2005 7:10 PM PDT; Last modified: June 7, 2005 7:10 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 7-Jun-05/7:16 PM | Reply
Rocks only sit on pavement when seven beats are needed in the second line of a haiku. Otherwise they are just on pavement, which sounds better. Damn forms.
[n/a] nentwined @ 68.232.253.122 > Dovina | 7-Jun-05/8:19 PM | Reply
I actually changed it from "two rocks sit on the pavement"

Hmm.

"fly from my approach" -> "they fly as I near"? Hmm.

See, I thought they were rocks, and it turned out they were birds.

I suppose I should sit on this one a bit more.
[7] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.67 | 8-Jun-05/6:51 AM | Reply
To be overly technical:
Three chambered kabooms? Harleys have two cylinders unless the sound is the 3 syllabled Po-ta-to sound . Yes, the approach is confusing. Maybe you don't need one. I'm just haranguessing you. I should talk, I ride a 95 Nighthawk which makes no such audible safety noises.
[n/a] nentwined @ 68.232.253.122 > INTRANSIT | 8-Jun-05/7:10 AM | Reply
I suppose Hog implies Harley too strongly? Triumphs have three cylinders (at least, the thunderbird, and the speed triple... and I think everything else--it's their signature the same as Harley's Po-ta-to).

This is the first serious poem attempt in some time that's gotten consistently not-high marks. Good to happen. Hopefully I'll find something better in it.
[6] Jill Stockinger @ 67.172.190.253 | 15-Jan-07/7:59 PM | Reply
I got it.
Not great stuff, though.
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