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on my hog (Haiku) by nentwined three chambered ka-booms
two rocks sitting on pavement
fly from my approach
Up the ladder:
My Magical Beat Poem With Stolen Black Music
Down the ladder:
Burning Night
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.8
Posted: June 7, 2005 7:10 PM PDT; Last modified: June 7, 2005 7:10 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9 Overall Rank: 9872 Comments:
To be overly technical:
Three chambered kabooms? Harleys have two cylinders unless the sound is the 3 syllabled Po-ta-to sound . Yes, the approach is confusing. Maybe you don't need one. I'm just haranguessing you. I should talk, I ride a 95 Nighthawk which makes no such audible safety noises.
I suppose Hog implies Harley too strongly? Triumphs have three cylinders (at least, the thunderbird, and the speed triple... and I think everything else--it's their signature the same as Harley's Po-ta-to).
This is the first serious poem attempt in some time that's gotten consistently not-high marks. Good to happen. Hopefully I'll find something better in it.
I got it.
Not great stuff, though. 487 view(s)
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Hmm.
"fly from my approach" -> "they fly as I near"? Hmm.
See, I thought they were rocks, and it turned out they were birds.
I suppose I should sit on this one a bit more.