DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

he's leaving

Member since 2005 · Posted 6 Jun 2005 · 4 comments

The day will come when you have to leave leave this place where I must stay alone I'll sit and dream of the day that I will once again be able to see, that smile that you always have on your face for me you haven't even left yet and I miss you so much longing every moment for just one touch I know the day you leave I'll be able to do nothing more then cry. Sitting alone in my room I'll want to die.

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4 comments

[1] deleted user 6-Jun-05/12:45 PM Reply

'It's my party,
and I'll cry if I want to,
cry if I want to,
cry if I want to,
You would cry too
if it happened tohoo youououou'

(1963; a couple of months later)

'And now it's Judy's turn to cry
Judy's turn to cry
Judy's turn to cry-ay-ayyyy
cause Johnny's come baaaack to me'

[1] deleted user 6-Jun-05/3:32 PM Reply

Such a bastard, I am.. Allright- let me show you what one can do with a subject like this.

'I am counting the days
I am waiting for the moment
when I'm going to have to stay in this place
where you will be
no longer

moving
moving away from me without
fading

I am counting your smiles
I already hunger for the ones
that soon will be gone except the one preserved
with photographical sharpness
in my mind

longing
longing already for the rest of you
crying'

If you're interested to know: it cost me 45 minutes, 3 revisions and 8 corrections and I made a mess of the rhyme. But nobody ever said that poetrywriting is easy.

By the way; one of La Gore's mid-sixty recordings was called 'Moving away'... I hope she won't drag me to court.

[7] Dan garcia-Black 7-Jun-05/8:32 AM Reply

I think it's kinda sweet in an innocent way. You could stand to lose the "leave" in line 2 and "I'll want to die" in the last line. Maybe something less cliche and dramatic than 'cry and I'll want to die." But your poem is not a waste of a read.

[5] Dovina 7-Jun-05/12:07 PM Reply

Tender, but too close to the way I really think it will be. Give me imagery to cover my sorrow.