ALChemy
on Playing The Vibes by impert&ent
19 Aug 2005, 10:20 AM
God I wish I had a yacht. Sounds so relaxing. Then again with my luck I'd get lost or die in a storm.
I liked the poem once I figured it out.
Another title that might have changed the poems direction: At the Center of the Tsunami.
But that's just plain evil isn't it.
I think you mean "Plain" not "plane in verse 1. Plain is on the sea-bed. Plane is something you do on the surface as in hydroplane.
What do you mean by ropes "fuming?" around brass.
Kind of Martha Stewart meets Andy Rooney. But it has some good stuff too like the first verse.
The only thing more annoying than Billy Corgan is somebody quoting Billy Corgan. If you lose that line I'll move you up a notch.
That'll put you at notch one.
Sorry I've been waiting a long time to use that line on someone and I figured I couldn't make you any more depressed.
I've been in that place before and the only advice I have is get tough and use capital letters when you start sentences.
A novel idea and a good poem right up to the last few lines. I think you should stop at "kept on writing" and change that verse so it's directed at the same "you" as the rest.
Funny!
The first verse is good, then it gets boring.
At first I was impressed with a poet who says he's willing to forsake a belief if he receives truth that better supports a new belief. But toward the end it sounds like you are saying you already have truth and would not accept any other. The first 6 lines are great.
Technically, 20's are the diameter of the INSIDE of the tire lip that seals the tire to the wheel. Of course this also gives no regard to the tires' width or it's aspect ratio. You might be "rollin' on 18 and 1/2s"! I can't be sure without more information. And a tape measure.
- wait - ? you favorited your own poem?
More like a fat nude black man and that white stuff coming out of his penis ain't piss my friend.
Bon appétit.
The title isn't meant to describe the poem... but the greatest version of myself. It's silly to think that any single poem could ever be "the greatest poem ever written". That distinction is quite obviously dependant on the opinions of the audience at hand.
"confused to understand" is not real grammar. I like the rhythm of it, but'd really prefer "failing to understand" or something such (and it's nifty sprung-rhythm!)
"About" in the third stanza stopped me a minute. I'd like to see "Nor" in its place.
Would you consider dropping "About this feeling... can they bring" and the next stanza? Thanks. It was kind of superobvious.
I'd change "platitudes" to a less-strong word, or example, or cool turn-of-phrase of your own.
Okay, I made all the comments above without reading the last stanza. Wow. Oh. Okay. I don't think it works at all. For one, City of Angels???? For two, it's kind of just whimsical wish-fulfillment, isn't it? Not to mention utterly non-doctrinal, against everything you've written so far, and a rather trite Deus ex Machina. My suggestion (ie, if this were my poem, so you know what that's worth): The narrator-woman ends wishing for an angel to sleep beside her, knowing it doesn't really feel or understand anything she feels, but she settles for the compromise anyway. Yeah. Cool. I dig.
Liked quite a few bits of the writing. You're good when you're poetic.
Great except for the internet words. Sorry. I'll never ever ever be cool with buddylist and IM in a poem. Call me a curmudgeonly Luddite.
hehehehahahahaha!!! ha... I like your mind...:) Bethy
I love the title. I wish the poem was about something else. -10-
Change the adjective phrases in stanzas one and two to something else. Otherwise, ace. -10-
I see some lines I like.
Some lines I'd like to play with too.
I like bits of this a lot, but overall it's a bit too matter-of-fact. Takes away some of the metaphors that might be brewing.