LilMsLadyPoet
on On the road by flatliner
13 Sep 2005, 11:59 AM
burn> burned... all to> just to?... i> I
Not bad.
Well, I am gald you are feeling relieved....and glad you plan to keep trying.
use some punctuation and some editing clean it up and i might even like it maybe because it is a peak into a neat thing that happened or at least it seems like that i wondered if it was about cicadas but maybe you are talking about some other bug i cant believe you thought they were birds anyway work on this poem because as you should be able to tell by now without punctuation it makes things hard to read and interpret.
As has come to be expected from you, very good. Line six, 'there' not 'their'. 'Soon Spring will die in October': great line, but, umm... what happened to summer?
i like a short verse, but i don't know...
"makes" and "i'll have" make it a little off.
but i'm no stickler for grammar.
I admit my puncuation is/has always been my weak point. I inserted here, took out there, changed it from comma to semi-colon, etc. It is hard to always know which or what will convey the thought in cohesive segments, and which way of presenting it will best convey the way it is best read and undestood. I am always glad for comments sent. Thanks.
i liked the first two stanzas better than the rest
Consider yourself lucky if you get constructive remarks. Alot of people here just want to make fun of others.
Start with free-verse it's easier to pull off.
Read some of the masters.
Find those poems that speak to you and study them and there authors to death.
Use cheats like dictionaries, thesauruses and rhymezone.com.
Then decide you don't give a fuck what the assholes think and write on.
"they have like a
violiny sound to them"-?
Y'all not yall.
I was threw.> through.
I threw the ball through the window, and now I am through playing ball. 'will power' is one word, I think. willpower? will-power? (I don't know, that part of my brain just failed me..tee-hee) I think>My addict, I thought you had left me and went on your way. (A comma would be good here.) 'given into you'> given in to you. Lots of period where commas should be. Make sure where period are, that it is a complete sentence that stands on its own. (I have problems with puncuation too!)
are invited to kindly kiss it. Maybe would be better rhythm there? And is Pitbull one word? Pit-bull, maybe? just wondering, seems like it might be one of those. Cute poem!
Okay, not cute as in darling...but as in amusing in a "Yeah, my butt is big; so what?! kinda way. And...I DO get tired of big women who throw their weight around, purposefully positioning themselves in such a way as to make me move from where I was standing. It is an invasion of my body space and I resent it. I resent even more when they seemingly do not see me or think they can walk Over me, literally. It seems some bigger people fully expect a smaller person to move out of the way...and to me, that is a bullying behaviour.
Your poems always give me a headache.
Baxter, you know I don't speak Spanish.
Seriusly, though, you've got some solid stuff here. I think you could do without the second stanza and cut the first down to about half the lines and this'll be pretty damn good.
Sorry, I just couldn't get through this (length can be a virtue as in Zin/Enough/Squeeze/Things/Flow or a downfall like most of the other long poems on this site. Work on getting this down to a readable length and we'll talk..maybe I'll try again tomorrow, but I'm too tired and too drunk to try right now.
Sorry, I just can't like it right now. Too much rhyme and not enough reason.
I actualy rather like this, escept for the dread one.
See, just when I like something you wrote, I read this one and ruin it.