ALChemy
on The Innocence of a Child by Tainted Butterfly
11 Sep 2005, 6:34 PM
The simplicity, sweetness and flow of this poem actually works for the subject. Good ear but try approaching subjects from unexpected angles.
I don't like the look of numbering such short stanzas.
Good title.
I don't like the look of numbering such short stanzas.
Good title.
Weird science.
Strange, but I like it
Reads like punk rock.
I was really hoping I'd click on the title and only a blank page would come up. That would have got a 10 from me.
Also ironic: if I hadn't came in your mum I would have never had the opportunity to read this poem.
Good twist on the Yo Mama dis.
I'll give you an 8 because you can spell vacuum which is more than at least two other poets can do.
If Dr. Suess wrote a minstrel version of a Shakespearean play during a coke binge.
I really rather like this. Though the "(how did they get to my mountain)" I'm not sure about. Maybe break it into another line or something -- the rhythm seems off because that one line's so long.
Why the comma after "where"? I'm presuming that the last line is the direct continuation of the first, in which case it might be a thought to add a stanza break between the first and second lines.
10
Nice snapshot.
Meter needs work in the middle lines.
Line 2 contradicts line 1.
Has potential.
Very nice work, it flows rather smoothly
This is for the ignorant
The rhyming implies a "standard english composition" sort of poem, but the lines don't follow any sort of rhythm; it's a very jarring read.
What sort of sane are there besides those 'mentally' sane?
week -> weak.
"dive" feels like you were really struggling on an end rhyme.
Meanwhile, poems that try to do AABB are generally far less appreciated than others--they're a much harder form to pull off with any sort of respectable poem than something that's a bit freer.
threw -> through
why a comma in "free, of"?
I wish I had some constructive suggestions for you, but I'm coming off a caffeine jag.
It gets better in time, but I don't know how.
I'm just not finding a flow, the words come across as melodramatic and not quite connected, and the situation is a bit too... generalized for me to feel any connection.
Nice. I'm not sure about the title being one of the three lines, but hey...