| regarding some deleted poem... |
Eydn 69.92.168.235 |
23-Sep-05/12:51 AM |
|
Nice poem.....very thought out and carefully paid attention to rhymes.
|
|
|
 |
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Caducus 172.200.189.239 |
23-Sep-05/1:27 AM |
|
The stanza is goosebump cool. The title also drew me in and the whole things pretty to read.
The last line needs a tidy up, how about 'so i turn against the kansas wind'.
just shorten las tline a tad sire.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Guilt Trip by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
Eydn 69.92.168.235 |
23-Sep-05/10:01 AM |
|
I really like these lyrics......can actually hear this one with music. That is usually the true test of good lyrics and you have written some great ones.
|
|
|
|
| Re: From Dust To Flesh To Texas by Caducus |
some deleted user 64.171.157.245 |
23-Sep-05/11:45 AM |
|
All I can say is -- OUTSTANDING. Very powerful,k moving examination of the ambiguities, contradictions, and agonies in life. You have a wonderful gift; I hope you will continue to write.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Last Suburb by some deleted user |
Dovina 24.213.236.224 |
23-Sep-05/2:07 PM |
|
More like a letter than a poem. Try using half as many words.
|
|
|
|
| Re: From Dust To Flesh To Texas by Caducus |
Dovina 24.213.236.224 |
23-Sep-05/2:10 PM |
|
Very good until the last two verses. Then you seem to shift into another gear. It's like two poems.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/3:55 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: untitled rhyme royal 2 by starkfister |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/3:58 PM |
|
Ow. That's terrible. If you're going to use old-fashioned language, do it well.
Aside from that, an excellent first-person narrative of a dwarf performing cunnilingus on a grown woman. 8070F000
|
|
|
|
| Re: Rescue My Heart by pletcgm |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/3:58 PM |
|
'Amassed with many feelings'?
|
|
|
|
| Re: Rescue My Heart by pletcgm |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/3:59 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: Climate Control by MacFrantic |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/4:01 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: The Box by Eydn |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/4:02 PM |
|
Needs a rewrite. Here's a hint: if you're gasping for air, and in the next moment screaming, you're not serene.
|
|
|
|
| Re: From Dust To Flesh To Texas by Caducus |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/4:04 PM |
|
Nice, nice. Why the question mark at 'cross he carved'? The second last stanza doesn't seem to fit that well, though.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Last Suburb by some deleted user |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/4:06 PM |
|
Too prosy. Maybe it's that there's not great feeling of rhythm. Something could be done with it, though.
|
|
|
|
| Re: untitled Rubiyat 1 by starkfister |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/4:11 PM |
|
Of course, in English at least, the form works better if the three rhyming lines are of the same length...
|
|
|
|
| Re: nicholson by ay deee |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/4:13 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: My Name Is by hottemper26 |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/4:17 PM |
|
I'd break it up into line/indented line. Like this:
Today my name is dreamer,
Lost and clueless
It would probably make it a bit better. Not much, but a bit.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Horus8 & The Werewolves Live... by horus8 |
Tintagiles 198.164.251.165 |
23-Sep-05/4:18 PM |
|
Oh, come on, horus, you can do better than this...
|
|
|
|
| Re: From Dust To Flesh To Texas by Caducus |
ALChemy 65.188.89.69 |
25-Sep-05/9:46 AM |
|
Drop the next to last line. It's out of place and seems preachy. Otherwise real good.
She was 18 when you were 30?!
You old dog you;)
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Fire_is_cool 65.100.244.58 |
25-Sep-05/10:48 AM |
|
And my poems are pretty damn funny Huh? Well yers are fucking hillarious. So don't even be dissing my poems. Have you read yers lately?
|
|
|
|
