Re: Alice to Slumber by Skamper	Ranger 86.131.54.245	6-Oct-08/4:39 PM
lol, fantastic.
Re: my sweet by darylchew	Dovina 75.82.253.189	6-Oct-08/4:46 PM
And I'll whisper back, You ugly piece of selfish flesh
Re: The Story of Wallace, Janey and Norman by Bethy	Dovina 75.82.253.189	6-Oct-08/4:52 PM
it sounds true. I don't care if it's not. The meter is mostly so good that the odd lines stand out. Is there a reason for threw, not through, used throughout?
Re: night owl (5) by elementalidad	Ranger 86.131.54.245	6-Oct-08/4:53 PM
I know more or less nothing about Japanese poetry, but this is a shining example of how good simplicity can be in poetry. Your others try to be a bit too poetic, whereas this makes the reader do all the work without realising it. Top drawer.
Re: Amazing Grace ~ for all bass drummers ;) by Celticai	Dovina 75.82.253.189	6-Oct-08/4:56 PM
I'd leave out the yes's only because it sounds more like a drum without them. Most of the lines have a drum beat, but a few don't, like "Overlaid with the haunting tones of the pipes" Not that they all have to, but it would be nice.
Re: Amazing Grace ~ for all bass drummers ;) by Celticai	Celticai 123.211.253.133	6-Oct-08/4:58 PM
Thanks.. Although the "Yes, it's better than..." are actually a rhythm that I use to play a calypso beat to Amazing Grace.
Re: Spanish Patio at Old Mission Inn by Dovina	Ranger 81.152.177.114	14-Oct-08/1:34 AM
I like bits of this - some of the first stanza, and the last two lines in particular. 'Fall' would work better than 'fail' for me. I don't think the overtly Biblical imagery does it any favours though. I was thinking more along the lines of an old Gordon Lightfoot song - 'Spanish Moss'.
Re: Words by Celticai	Bethy 165.154.46.134	14-Oct-08/8:15 AM
get out of my head...lol...very good
Re: Him, again and again... by hobojo	Bethy 165.154.46.134	14-Oct-08/8:18 AM
hmmmmm lost for words at this moment...love this
Re: Spanish Patio at Old Mission Inn by Dovina	Bethy 165.154.46.134	14-Oct-08/8:24 AM
your toooooo good for this site...:) but don't leave...I love reading what you write Dovina. I love the second last verse...(Then as if selected)
Re: Amazing Grace ~ for all bass drummers ;) by Celticai	Bethy 165.154.46.134	14-Oct-08/8:26 AM
totally fun Drummah !!!
Re: Words by Celticai	nentwined 76.89.158.49	14-Oct-08/7:09 PM
There's a lot here, some I'd like to see plumbed more deeply, some could well be spun off into its own ruminations ((striving to capture the correct word could be a novel, I think; then, I didn't get enough sleep last night)) The flow feels more like you're trying to find the poem (which is how I tend to write, myself, so maybe I'm reading too much into that). As it stands, I find it too clunky. But lots of promise.
Re: Mountain Fever by Celticai	nentwined 76.89.158.49	14-Oct-08/7:12 PM
As someone else wrote on one of your poems--"get out of my head!" Feels very much like something I would have written ten years ago (though I never really went for staircases). That said, I find a lot of your words redundant (and in such a way as to render their compatriots less powerful). And the piece as a whole is missing some novelty, flow, or something to set it apart from a multitude of poems like it. Perhaps you can make it more personal?
Re: Words by Celticai	Dovina 208.127.228.168	15-Oct-08/11:06 AM
You seem groping for the perfect set of words. Much luck! Starting with a cliche is not a good start. "Desperate to portray my mind" is.
Re: Sleeping Beauty by celticskatermatt1	Dovina 208.127.228.168	15-Oct-08/11:19 AM
Clearly you love her, but clearly too cliched and unedited for posting. Cheers
Re: Him, again and again... by hobojo	Dovina 208.127.228.168	15-Oct-08/11:25 AM
a bit too wordy. example: For I truly had the best of intentions - can be something like: I meant well. I think "him" and "you" are the same person.
Re: Sleeping Beauty by celticskatermatt1	Bethy 165.154.46.215	15-Oct-08/2:20 PM
There is truly a poem here worth reading, however I do agree with Dovina on editing...it has lovely overtones which makes me want to give you an 8 for you beauitful thoughts...
Re: definitely/maybe/mobius by malpaso	Bethy 165.154.46.215	15-Oct-08/2:29 PM
say you disagree...perhaps?
Re: definitely/maybe/mobius by malpaso	T. Jonathron Remp 128.62.139.122	15-Oct-08/5:15 PM
racism
Re: Dear God by chesty82	T. Jonathron Remp 128.62.139.122	15-Oct-08/5:18 PM
*** ATTENTION *** Your e-mail is being returned to you because there was a problem with its delivery. The address which was undeliverable is listed in the section labeled: "----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----". The reason your mail is being returned to you is listed in the section labeled: "----- Transcript of Session Follows -----". The line beginning with "<<<" describes the specific reason your e-mail could not be delivered. The next line contains a second error message which is a general translation for other e-mail servers. Please direct further questions regarding this message to your e-mail administrator. --Heaven Postmaster ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors ----- <God@heaven.com> ----- Transcript of session follows ----- ... while talking to air-xm04.mail.heaven.com.: >>> RCPT To:<God@heaven.com> <<< 550 MAILBOX NOT FOUND 550 <God@heaven.com>... User unknown Final-Recipient: RFC822; God@heaven.com Action: failed Status: 5.1.1 Remote-MTA: DNS; air-xm04.mail.heaven.com Diagnostic-Code: SMTP; 550 MAILBOX NOT FOUND Last-Attempt-Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2008 23:30:31 -0400 (EDT)