totally fun Drummah !!!

This gives me a sense of your internal struggle, Chesty.

I enjoyed this one! - especially the last verse!

hmmmmm lost for words at this moment...love this

your toooooo good for this site...:) but don't leave...I love reading what you write Dovina. I love the second last verse...(Then as if selected)

I like bits of this - some of the first stanza, and the last two lines in particular. 'Fall' would work better than 'fail' for me. I don't think the overtly Biblical imagery does it any favours though. I was thinking more along the lines of an old Gordon Lightfoot song - 'Spanish Moss'.

get out of my head...lol...very good

racism

There's a lot here, some I'd like to see plumbed more deeply, some could well be spun off into its own ruminations ((striving to capture the correct word could be a novel, I think; then, I didn't get enough sleep last night)) The flow feels more like you're trying to find the poem (which is how I tend to write, myself, so maybe I'm reading too much into that). As it stands, I find it too clunky. But lots of promise.

You seem groping for the perfect set of words. Much luck! Starting with a cliche is not a good start. "Desperate to portray my mind" is.

As someone else wrote on one of your poems--"get out of my head!" Feels very much like something I would have written ten years ago (though I never really went for staircases). That said, I find a lot of your words redundant (and in such a way as to render their compatriots less powerful). And the piece as a whole is missing some novelty, flow, or something to set it apart from a multitude of poems like it. Perhaps you can make it more personal?

Clearly you love her, but clearly too cliched and unedited for posting. Cheers

a bit too wordy. example: For I truly had the best of intentions - can be something like: I meant well. I think "him" and "you" are the same person.

There is truly a poem here worth reading, however I do agree with Dovina on editing...it has lovely overtones which makes me want to give you an 8 for you beauitful thoughts...

say you disagree...perhaps?

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it sounds true. I don't care if it's not. The meter is mostly so good that the odd lines stand out. Is there a reason for threw, not through, used throughout?

I know more or less nothing about Japanese poetry, but this is a shining example of how good simplicity can be in poetry. Your others try to be a bit too poetic, whereas this makes the reader do all the work without realising it. Top drawer.

Thanks.. Although the "Yes, it's better than..." are actually a rhythm that I use to play a calypso beat to Amazing Grace.

I'd leave out the yes's only because it sounds more like a drum without them. Most of the lines have a drum beat, but a few don't, like "Overlaid with the haunting tones of the pipes" Not that they all have to, but it would be nice.