What to say about this...well for one thing it's a prose poem. But that's not majorly important. The last 4 lines really want to go...this is a poetry site, after all, and they detract from the end of the story which showed promise. However, it didn't quite live up to the potential it showed; you need to bring out the emotions of the events. I recommend Caducus' work for learning how to write emotive poetry without sounding whiny. Other than that, spelling and grammar, the usual stuff. As first posts go, it's better than many.

I saw the story about Hamza and the hooker; I'm tempted to say it's probably a lie, but he deserves it. Fantastic poem, by the way!

mmhmm..

Not as good as the one i just read...but not bad.

It just doesn't really do anything for me...it's not really bad and I wish I knew what to tell you to improve it...just feels tired...

again, some cliches...and I think one thing that might hlp you is to get an idea of what you want to write..then work on how you want to say it..as opposed to letting the rhymes drive the poem as was said above.

Well, I got through the first paragraph, but it's my feeling that if you want me to do you the courtesy of reading the whole thing and commenting and voting in a serious manner, the least you could do is run it through the spell checker.

It's a little simplistic for what I'm into right now...doesn't really leave anything to the imagination. Not that it's bad...it just doesn't really peak my interest.

excellent

You'll have to forgive me, but I don't have a clue.

not bad, but the spacing is distracting and makes it harder to read than it should be.

It's like a retarded Dr. Seuss poem...no offense to you...It just doesn't make any sense.

Some nice sentiments, but not a very entertaining read unless you're the one at which it's directed.

no can reada so no can vota

I don't know....7?

That's a lot of words to not be making any sense. I'm hnestly not sure if you're making up words or misspelling them,. but either ay, changing that would yield, I believe, a much better poem.

After reading the comments here and on a few other pages, I've realized that when you leave for a while and then come back..you have no clue whats going on anymore...nice poem by the way..Tommy likee

A couple of tweaks and this will probably be a favorite..I'm not going to even try to give you a critique on where to tweak...you know.

I hate to keep heaping praise upon you because I'm sure your head is swelling as I write this, but I can't help it. I'l give it a 10 if you can make it longer and it's still this good.

The stories are interesting. I can't believe that any little league would allow such retarded names for teams. If you made these up, make up better ones. If you didn't make these up, than you should make up better ones. Right now this is just a little too cumbersome. I like the authenticity of the voice. It reads as if you are speaking directly to me and that's good. Maybe you can think about seperating these memories. Let each stand alone. Even if it's just with roman numerals or something. I don't really like the one about the optometrist visits. it makes you a less sympathetic character. The title's good. you shouldn't annotate at the end. It's better to finish with a compelling image or statement. For example; 'for the first time in a long time I saw my father.' Maybe you should be writing a screenplay. Actors love playing tormented characters. Blindness makes for good analogies. One question, how do you use a computer?