| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Lonely Road (Free verse) by drnick Lonely road
Through the woods it roams
Carved into the thick greenery
Such a blanketing cover that
Not even sunlight hits the dirt
The entrance so inviting as to
Ask you to come in and get lost
Darkness and mystery wait
The path inside lay docile
Footprints might as well be fossils
The few who enter quickly leave
They'd rather have a shortcut
Than a journey
Seasons pass and thicker grows
The brush over the path
That was once so very clear
With all things considered
Its purpose is already satisfied:
For the deliberate visitor
To walk all over it.
Up the ladder:
Winter Is Stil
Down the ladder:
The Game of Categories
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.6666665
Posted: February 6, 2006 11:53 PM PST; Last modified: February 6, 2006 11:53 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.9602656 Overall Rank: 8584 Comments:
It just doesn't really do anything for me...it's not really bad and I wish I knew what to tell you to improve it...just feels tired...
I completely agree, there's nothing special about this poem...I've begun to notice that everyone else on here puts a lot more time into their poems than I do(I usually spend an hour), and I don't think it's fair to ask your advice on something I haven't really worked on myself. The stuff I write is just crap, I mean take this poem: how pathetic is my imagry...did you even know I was attemping to have some imagry?-It's that bad. You guys all write some amazing poetry, and I'm sorry for asking you all to do my work for me.
I will now pledge to work harder on my writing, although I have little time with classes, so that I can produce work that is of substance. I thank you all for being so kind and generous with your advice. I will post this message on my latest piece of shit so that the people I'm talking to are more likely to read it. 235 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I'm not sure if this poem is metaphorical or if it's a direct description...if it's the former, you need to make it a little clearer for the benefit of morons like myself; if it's the latter, well then it's nicely written but doesn't really elicit any sort of thought from the reader.
-The road is a lonely person
-The thick woods is the personality they hide behind
I dunno, maybe you can figure it out from there...I guess the meaning seems obvious to me because I wrote it.
As for the poem, I wondered if it might be like that. It's not the most original subject matter but I like the way you've dealt with it - you avoid the cliches, or rather, you take the cliches and rework them well. Now I'm looking at it with more understanding, it's become so much clearer - every line has a definite purpose. I really should have made the connection certain by reading 'the deliberate visitor'. So yes, on both levels it's written well.
2 suggestion: lines 8 and 9 seem a bit worn...it would work better if there was a little more originality there. Also, 'That a journey/Seasons pass...' seems to be a bit of a jump. You might want to consider either putting a break between them or linking it with another line. That's my opinion anyway, others may read it differently.
Useful?