Ranger
on Valentine by zodiac
14 Feb 2006, 10:05 AM
I don't know the story behind it very well, but that will have to wait for another time.
This is excellent, zodiac - another triumph for you!
Before I write a proper comment and risk incurring your wrath, do you want constructive criticism or will it make you rather irate if I write a less-than-flattering synopsis? I've been there myself with the first few posts; tell me what you want before I rush to conclusions here...
Stunning. Stanza 2 in particular.
"It haunted you/like a flamenco sky sangria-stained/where birds dive..."
Wow.
Nice sentiment.
I think this is a pretty neat piece...... but maybe a bit of rearrangement might be needed. Just a thought.
'Seen four the seven seas', is that meant to be '...four of the seven seas'? Because if so I think it would work better as '...four of seven seas'. If I'm missing something obvious here, bear with me. I'm tired.
I think the grammar and structure could do with being worked on, but I like the content and images - they could do with being brought out a little more though.
Cars?
I'm not too sure about 'very long racing stripes', the 'very long' is really simplistic compared to the rest of it.
Catchy though.
I agree with what everyone said: you didn't really make a profound statement here. Yet, I still enjoyed this, there are some good lines:
i went to get educated
what i got was self pulsated
on rooftops with a city view
margueritas, beers, and guitars
I'm not sure how you could improve this without completely reworking it.
For appoalog, there need not be regret. In fact, regret is a bad reason for appology. Appology should be used for manipulation. Some people, and I'll mention no poemranker usernames, fail to apply it where advantage could attend its use.
I'd like to think so, but it seems as though you think otherwise. I like lines 1-3 and 10-13. nice.
Simple, but so are those who concieve war. I can dig it.
Jesus-god Damn-christ. There is no fucking god, and I am empirical evidence of that. I am really beggining to tired of this religious propoganda. BUT, I refuse to judge this solely on my beliefs and how nonsensical I find your's to be, so...
it's actually good. definately go with zodiac's form and you will have a masterpiece.
Intransit, as good as I think you've gotten over the past couple of years, I don't think anyone, not anyone, could make the "deer in the headlights" image sound anything but hackneyed. And headlights, even by analogy, can't be complacent. (Nor fearful, for that matter. Confusing, sure, because they can confuse.) Semantics aside: the truck imagery would work better, I think, if it were attached to something more developed; something we could get a fix on. Right now this seems just amorphous angst with axles.
For genuine apology there ought to be regret, not that I need to apologise for anything here because I love this poem.
Yea I had a ladyfriend once whos flesh was like yogurt, twas an Eskimo from canada, needless to say she came down to Florida to stay awhile and her yogurt skin curdled turning out to be a 400 lb. behimoth. God bless e-haromy.com and their misrepresented clientel. Yet to have a refund Anyhow love the poem I give it a ten because of the fond memories it brings of my made up life in Tallahassee
Great I love it
(We knock to make the red squirrel peek out, scold.)
watch out he'll throw a nut at you
'Of what fabric are wishes made?' - perfect.
A collection of fantastic lines; not only that but it made me go and find out what 'soughs' means...my learning for the day is done.
Second graders continue to use their creative and critical thinking skills during their time in ZOOM Class on Monday/Tuesday. One of the unique thinking strategies that is introduced is called SCAMPER, (Substitute, Combine, Add, Multiply, Minify, Magnify, Put to other uses, Eliminate, and Rearrange). This concept helps people of any age to think up new ways to present an idea or to solve a problem. Word choice, organization, sentence fluency, voice, and presentation styles are key components in all of the children's language arts projects. Creative stories are written in the unique pattern used by author Laura Numeroff! The children share their special places for fun, friends, relaxation, and reflection in pictures and three-liner poetry. The children also learn more about economics through the Junior Achievement program, "Our Community".