Re: a waste of time by hendrimike	wilco 24.92.74.122	13-Feb-06/12:47 PM
Doesn't really say much as a whole that couldn't have been said in one verse. Mybe that's the point...hey, it's a mainstream pop song!
Re: Unless Redux by rahson_s	wilco 24.92.74.122	13-Feb-06/12:50 PM
I've seen you do better, but not bad. I think, though, if you're going to throw out the racial slurs, just go ahead and say niggers. "Niggas" makes it seem like you're trying to skirt the issue and use slang instead.
Re: Panic Slide by MacFrantic	wilco 24.92.74.122	13-Feb-06/12:57 PM
I'd like to see this formed into a more cohesive...um..thing..
Re: Valentine by zodiac	wilco 24.92.74.122	13-Feb-06/1:04 PM
You're Carl newman from the New Pornographers aren't you..
Re: skaskowski is totally gay by some deleted user	Dovina 69.175.32.104	13-Feb-06/1:36 PM
At least it's not about me.
Re: A Soldiers Story by Glasseyez	Dovina 69.175.32.104	13-Feb-06/1:42 PM
Not bad as a poem, but I think you could write it better as a story.
Re: discovery by skaskowski	Dovina 69.175.32.104	13-Feb-06/1:44 PM
unintelligible!
Re: Valentine by zodiac	ecargo 63.22.7.214	13-Feb-06/1:59 PM
Ace. What's not to like: old Tight Lips (the mug), a good tale well told. Glad you resisted the temptation of too much "tough guy" speak, the suggestion of it's just enough. This gets a little convoluted: "And lacking even the dignity or indignity of bringing a shivering pile of guts clutched-in already cooling to you is enough without these kids who even as I die make me their hope, their trick, their crash averted." Love the "and already wandering . . ."; the ("blond alibi?") dame's essential to the noir. Killer.
Re: discovery by skaskowski	ecargo 63.22.7.214	13-Feb-06/2:01 PM
What's this? ACME (TM) Poem-o-matic? Input words and it spits out a "poem"? first line could lead to something interesting--but this ain't it.
Re: The Struggling Poet's Lament by Ranger	ecargo 63.22.7.214	13-Feb-06/2:09 PM
Some nice lines, Ranger, but not hanging together quite yet. Some images don't stand close scrutiny ("deftly flowed"; "volcano ripple in reverse"? "idol of adultery"--what's the story there? snaking flies, pregnant flame). I do like the sound of this and some images like a hem waltzing drunkenly, but it needs some tweaking.
Re: Glasseyez is totally gay by w-=Dark_Angel=-,_P.I.w	Glasseyez 204.49.132.21	13-Feb-06/2:33 PM
Who am I to argue with someone who has rhymed about shit, cocks, and cum for as long as they have been on this site?
Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Feb-06/4:24 PM
All throughout that poem I could hear a distant horn; a ghost of one of your lost kin maybe, or so I thought. Turned out it was my brother playing GTA3 in the next room.
Re: A Soldiers Story by Glasseyez	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Feb-06/4:29 PM
Lines 17-20 = awesome. The rest is good but a little untidy; the rhymes are sometimes forced and grammar could be better, having said that however, I did enjoy reading this and look forward to reading any edits of it.
Re: caught amist by LaasChijld	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Feb-06/4:33 PM
Second line of the last stanza doesn't make sense, a couple of spelling errors but other than that a very respectable effort.
Re: stellar by ThePariahDog	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Feb-06/4:34 PM
In an odd sort of way I really like this...
Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	Dovina 69.175.32.104	13-Feb-06/5:17 PM
Did you consider the five "poems" posted just prior, and decide even a drunken driver off an 8% corkscrew with a set of doubles parked outside can do better on five minutes of kiosk time? The "deer" analogy starts off well, and I wish you'd drove in on through. But when the road is not on the map and then gets wordily into "It is something to negotiate, well, I says, "deer have pretty good sense." And is "my" really needed that often? I'm no Gimmy-driver, but I'm trying to visualize brake lights in mirrors. "Trees flicking my antenna" is deer-like and descriptive though. "Splitting hairs and splitting gears" is good. Consider the deer, don't be queer. Yeah, I'm doin' no better.
Re: Valentine by zodiac	god'swife 71.103.98.44	13-Feb-06/5:40 PM
At this point the parentheticals make for a better title. I like the idea of Frank's refusal being a kind of valentine to his killers, if that's what you're after. At this point the text doesn't have that implication. The imaging is right on; criminal, brutally seductive. I love the girl in front of her mirror. There are few things sexier then the simple act of a young women brushing out her hair. And if she's beautiful there's little she wouldn't do for a good mirror. the sawdust/chicken feed analogy is terrific. i can't say why but i rather 'my lapels' be 'the lapels'. why is 'behind' at the end of line 17 instead of the beginning of line 18? Also 'myself's a loss'. Why didn't you say 'I'm a loss'? '... just such uniforms...' killer assonance. 10 for that alone. but when the truth comes... vs. 'but when the truth comes out...' Why'd you choose the latter & not the former? 'And already wandering I' is a good example of a writer documenting his thoughts instead of translating them. It took three readings befor i understood the implication. Once I got it I really liked it. 'But I have killed myself, like all men do' is the message here, in my opinion, and it's just too hidden within the text. i think it would make a strong ending. It's the line that has the most echo.
Re: In response to by INTRANSIT	god'swife 71.103.98.44	13-Feb-06/5:47 PM
Discribe complacent headlights vs. disgruntled, rude or inconsiderate headlights.
Re: Valentine by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	13-Feb-06/8:06 PM
You've surprised me with your choice of subject. Speaking the mind of a real person you have no personal affiliation with? Dovina certainly has stamped her great influence on us all. "imagines the future like a train bearing down fast." is a great line.
Re: Twenty-Some Years and Five Countries Away by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	13-Feb-06/8:17 PM
Well...I didn't spend more time on this one, however I think it's still better than what I've been doing.