I'd like to see this formed into a more cohesive...um..thing..

You're Carl newman from the New Pornographers aren't you..

At least it's not about me.

unintelligible!

Who am I to argue with someone who has rhymed about shit, cocks, and cum for as long as they have been on this site?

All throughout that poem I could hear a distant horn; a ghost of one of your lost kin maybe, or so I thought. Turned out it was my brother playing GTA3 in the next room.

Lines 17-20 = awesome. The rest is good but a little untidy; the rhymes are sometimes forced and grammar could be better, having said that however, I did enjoy reading this and look forward to reading any edits of it.

Well...I didn't spend more time on this one, however I think it's still better than what I've been doing.

Doesn't really say much as a whole that couldn't have been said in one verse. Mybe that's the point...hey, it's a mainstream pop song!

Not bad as a poem, but I think you could write it better as a story.

You've surprised me with your choice of subject. Speaking the mind of a real person you have no personal affiliation with? Dovina certainly has stamped her great influence on us all. "imagines the future like a train bearing down fast." is a great line.

I've seen you do better, but not bad. I think, though, if you're going to throw out the racial slurs, just go ahead and say niggers. "Niggas" makes it seem like you're trying to skirt the issue and use slang instead.

Ace. What's not to like: old Tight Lips (the mug), a good tale well told. Glad you resisted the temptation of too much "tough guy" speak, the suggestion of it's just enough. This gets a little convoluted: "And lacking even the dignity or indignity of bringing a shivering pile of guts clutched-in already cooling to you is enough without these kids who even as I die make me their hope, their trick, their crash averted." Love the "and already wandering . . ."; the ("blond alibi?") dame's essential to the noir. Killer.

What's this? ACME (TM) Poem-o-matic? Input words and it spits out a "poem"? first line could lead to something interesting--but this ain't it.

Some nice lines, Ranger, but not hanging together quite yet. Some images don't stand close scrutiny ("deftly flowed"; "volcano ripple in reverse"? "idol of adultery"--what's the story there? snaking flies, pregnant flame). I do like the sound of this and some images like a hem waltzing drunkenly, but it needs some tweaking.

Second line of the last stanza doesn't make sense, a couple of spelling errors but other than that a very respectable effort.

In an odd sort of way I really like this...

Did you consider the five "poems" posted just prior, and decide even a drunken driver off an 8% corkscrew with a set of doubles parked outside can do better on five minutes of kiosk time? The "deer" analogy starts off well, and I wish you'd drove in on through. But when the road is not on the map and then gets wordily into "It is something to negotiate, well, I says, "deer have pretty good sense." And is "my" really needed that often? I'm no Gimmy-driver, but I'm trying to visualize brake lights in mirrors. "Trees flicking my antenna" is deer-like and descriptive though. "Splitting hairs and splitting gears" is good. Consider the deer, don't be queer. Yeah, I'm doin' no better.

At this point the parentheticals make for a better title. I like the idea of Frank's refusal being a kind of valentine to his killers, if that's what you're after. At this point the text doesn't have that implication. The imaging is right on; criminal, brutally seductive. I love the girl in front of her mirror. There are few things sexier then the simple act of a young women brushing out her hair. And if she's beautiful there's little she wouldn't do for a good mirror. the sawdust/chicken feed analogy is terrific. i can't say why but i rather 'my lapels' be 'the lapels'. why is 'behind' at the end of line 17 instead of the beginning of line 18? Also 'myself's a loss'. Why didn't you say 'I'm a loss'? '... just such uniforms...' killer assonance. 10 for that alone. but when the truth comes... vs. 'but when the truth comes out...' Why'd you choose the latter & not the former? 'And already wandering I' is a good example of a writer documenting his thoughts instead of translating them. It took three readings befor i understood the implication. Once I got it I really liked it. 'But I have killed myself, like all men do' is the message here, in my opinion, and it's just too hidden within the text. i think it would make a strong ending. It's the line that has the most echo.

Discribe complacent headlights vs. disgruntled, rude or inconsiderate headlights.