This is very nice. Well thought out and very lyrical. And even though it has a tenderness to it, you've managed to NOT get overly personal and self-indulgent. It has a nice, professional detachment to to it. Great work!

You will go 2 Hell in a Bobslay

A very nice poem.

Sinful.

I like this, its fun. ^_^

Neat topic. i like.

The final stanza is great - 'the ghosts of previous conquests'. I felt throughout, though, that it could do with being a bit more concise. For instance, the first stanza (third line in particular) is really just prose. There are some good images in here (whisky sweat) and some cliched ones too (star-spangled). It would have more impact without the cliches. 'Proto-hero' - I like, but again, that stanza is more or less prose with extra line breaks. I also wonder whether you could capture the impact of the cocaine without referring to it directly? Give us the clues, make us work it out. That all being said, though, the story is solid and there are some nice passages in here. And, as I said, the last line is magnificent. Welcome to poemranker :-)

Thank you for your honest words, I must admit that the prose parts were intended, I was trying to blend prose and poetic items into one. I wasn't sure if I had achieved it though.

...Then we'll be a couple quite faint. ...Don't expect more than you ain't. LOL... Cute little ditty:)

You paint a good scene here...well not a good scene...but a good portrait of one. I think 'freeze-framed' would work there; and at 'slave-ganged'. The images are palitable, and well-drawn.

Two phrases bother me in this poem. "Raspberry tingle" is hard to grasp and has a "cutesy," "sugary" sense to it. And "parallel skeins" is also hard ot grasp and, like the former, doesn't lend to the idea of fear. Neither phrase suports the idea of fear. Not sure if I'm off base with what were after but these things distracted me. I love "Begin by breathig in twos." Although I don't know what it means, it has a sene of fear in it, like hyperventilating or something. And it's original and flows well.

Least favorite line, for me, would have to be 'and lizards leaping like a joyful king." I have no idea why you stuck that in there. After reading all the indecition and comments about this piece, it seems clear you are not done with this, and aren't even sure where you are going, or what you are truly saying here. I am wondering why you didn't stick to the opening theme of you taking her there. Familiar to you, disliked by her. How it is through your eyes, and how it is seen through hers. I think that is where this meant to go...and then it got lost in all the descriptive phrases, along the way. I'll be interested to see where this ends up, in the end.

So I take it all the lust you spoke of in the beginning lines, that he is feeling, has been denied? Then how can he respect you as 'a capable lover'...or are you not, with him, but he knows you are?...how?? The ending lines threw me. And this seems like a detatched person commenting...which seemed kinda creepy and manipulative...but that's just my feeling after reading it. Not sure what you meant with it...maybe just that.

Nice, a swirly sort of rhythm to this. You might want to trim some of the weak (feminine) endings in places, but in others they work. And I'd do away with 'clouds and stars above' - it wants something more inventive there. An enjoyable sensation to this though :-)

The stanzas don't really connect with each other. I'm dying to say 'change pawn to prawne', that would at least give a bit of continuity with the sinking and the ship. But seriously, this doesn't really carry much meaning to me. I know you've got something to say, and I guess I can see what you're saying...but it doesn't grab me, in this form. I don't really know what to suggest, other than getting a continuous link throughout the poem.

I thought this was pretty good...a little too wordy and long. I think it could do with some condensing. A few typos...Shadows-curtain's tear-as if in nervous?-take it's bow=its and 'too late'. I'm not sure, but I think laid should be lain. I think you could take this and do better with it, with some added clarity and a change in word choice here and there.

A relaxing read, like something I'd like him to read to me by candlelight, two glasses of cabernet already poured.

God will curse U 4 this!

How obscenely nice.

thank you all for the comments, as always for me these writings are "work in progress", but wanted to see what others thought of them so far. I have to say that I'm from the UK so some of the spellings may be slightly different from US. I feel that a couple of the spellings and syntax you have pointed out are in fact correct.