Skeins of yarn are not parallel. Skeins of birds do not run up and down. It must be a sequence of events which run up and down,as opposed to something.
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Two phrases bother me in this poem. "Raspberry tingle" is hard to grasp and has a "cutesy," "sugary" sense to it. And "parallel skeins" is also hard ot grasp and, like the former, doesn't lend to the idea of fear. Neither phrase suports the idea of fear.
Not sure if I'm off base with what were after but these things distracted me.
I love "Begin by breathig in twos." Although I don't know what it means, it has a sene of fear in it, like hyperventilating or something.
I envisioned raspberry as a burn on your skin from scraping along the ground. It is uncomfortable and creates a scab. Not fun. I think I was reaching more with parallel skeins. Maybe it was just the connection with the word veins and skeleton that made it scary to me.
It's trying to describe the phases that your body goes through when you feel fear. First you get short of breath, then you get an uncomfortable tingle (hair stands on end) then some kind of overwhelming force courses through your body.
I see what you were after and you're close. The firt line starts it off great. I remember a poem by Leanord Cohen in which there was a line describing a positive sensation as "...singing in the wires of my spine". This is something like you're after with the skeins, but in your case in a negetive way.
Dig for some other word/phrase choices on this. "crawling" under the skin? "Inching" Not sure.
poem is a good example of how important every singel word is.
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Not sure if I'm off base with what were after but these things distracted me.
I love "Begin by breathig in twos." Although I don't know what it means, it has a sene of fear in it, like hyperventilating or something.
And it's original and flows well.
Dig for some other word/phrase choices on this. "crawling" under the skin? "Inching" Not sure.
poem is a good example of how important every singel word is.
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