dvincent1 Oct 2006

Two phrases bother me in this poem. "Raspberry tingle" is hard to grasp and has a "cutesy," "sugary" sense to it. And "parallel skeins" is also hard ot grasp and, like the former, doesn't lend to the idea of fear. Neither phrase suports the idea of fear.

Not sure if I'm off base with what were after but these things distracted me.

I love "Begin by breathig in twos." Although I don't know what it means, it has a sene of fear in it, like hyperventilating or something.

And it's original and flows well.