Zero this bitch. har har har. Savvy?

don't really need the "And see" "written down" is weak - a missed opportunity "Life's story" is trite, consider a set of words summarizing the subjects functions through this life - something else. eyes "seeing" is redundant, and another missed opportunity why are they poignant? Because they are green and blue? Because you say they are? Not very convincing.

Greets and Congratulations.

Greets and Congratulations.

not the usual fare, I like it overall. it either needs to be about a third shorter, or twice as long - you pick.

Your poem is very good. thanks for the comments and tips.

THis poem is about Brady.

I'd rather you write often, rather than worry too much about writing well, at this stage of the game.

Hi DP. This is like an amuse bouche--tasty but leaves one wanting more. Full of suggestive (in a nonprurient sense) little oddities that seem to imply more, more--the last line lost me though. And I'm not sure what the tie-in with Genesis is (assuming that's why you referenced it in your amusing exchange with our resident longbeard/provocateur)--but I can be dense about such things.

give me some a' / I came into this poem / coated with snotty ignorance / bored by the tube / or by myself / so no wonder / I read: seldom is etcetera / and every other open door. What draft! / I sniff. I sneeze. lets take a hike / or stay around / a little longer / between the lines I read / not one surprise, no hidden treat / it’s all as dull as it’s stretched out / so what the fuck are you about / ponder ponder ponder / somewhere in this overgrowth / of hand out truths and such / I feel the need to pee / this poem’s taking ages / ‘xcuse me. I’ll just go around the corner. / different degrees, yeah sure, that’s fresh / poetry. is this a test? / it’s got to be, really, I mean, / do not bite the feeding hand? / how did you come up with that? / and at the end I’m left with what? / no tricks no jokes no traps / I’ve been in platitude Sunday class / so I think I’d be more blessed / with scraps picked from my ass

“Pound your swords into plowshares,” your spears into sickles, which do burn more naturally in the hands. Strange, using the British spelling of plow. Suggest “murmuring” replace the obscure “sough.” Suggest conventional sentence structure in the last one, as done in the others.

This is quite good rockmage. I really like the second line. BTW I thought the original good also--just a matter of taste I guess. Keep up the good work.

My talent in writing poetry is nowhere near comparable to yours, therefore I can offer no constructive critisism on this poem. All I can offer is my vote for an excellent piece of work.

No constructive critisism to offer. I quite like tis as it is.

I really like this. I love the last two lines most of all.

I thought this was about toilets. It would have ben better if it had been.

A bit long.

Pretty good, original. I like your nouns acting as verbs--they work in a weird and very cool way; it's what gives this a unique twist I think. Overall, focused, sharp, though the parenthetical bits distract, detract from the whole, I think.

Surreal

Are you fucking serious? This is truly awful. Childish trash. Oh dear.