Goad
on some deleted poem
24 Jan 2004, 3:52 PM
I couldn't figure out what the hell Palestinian had to do anything, so I googled and found a news article with the same date as this pome about the opening of the first Palestinian shopping mall and supermarket. Is that the sum total of the reference, or is there more to it? Please explain, I feel so ignorant. In any case, well done.
Dear Goad & tomcheese,
Your conversation was becoming dangerously wacky, so I had nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
Wow. Wonderful. So well-crafted. Beautiful images.
I loved your father's head "bowing like a cumbersome tulip" as he mowed. What a wonderfully apt image.
It's been a long long time since I read narnia so I had to google for Mr Tumnus, but then it became even more poignant.
This is so excellent you will obviously be taking it other places than pomeranker--do you want comments? I'll plunge ahead: There are a couple tiny edits needed: in st. 2 blossoms needs an s; in st. 3 incense is misspelled; and in st. 4 should it be "and HE met my Mother there"?
In st. 2 the second use of Mum seems awkward, mightn't it be better to use mother?
"His solace was the hills" bothers me slightly. Normally, solace would be found in the hills. "solace was found in" is a clichéd phrase you probably want to avoid, but maybe you might consider something like "His solace was in the hills/And he found my mother there too" (I dunno that that's better) and maybe one more line to indicate why she was in the hills that day???
"loving words" at the end of st. 3 seems a little weak & generic in comparison to the rest. No idea at all how to fix that since I'm not entirely sure what you mean by his father's wrath remaining in his loving words. I can think of lots of ways for that to be so, but I'd like to know which one you mean.
SO good...
BTW, its one of my worst poems.
Really nice poem!
Weird, but in a good way!
Okay! But does it actually work?
What do you mean??? Does it work in what way?
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
24 Jan 2004, 7:54 PM
Touch my warm quiff!
Universal genius.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
24 Jan 2004, 8:04 PM
This stands with Byron and Bunion.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
24 Jan 2004, 8:08 PM
Touch my sopping crotch!
Liked the way you vividly illustrate a poem. The part about the pigs ear was excellent. This to me came alive and kicking from S2. The opening 3 lines didn't grab me and I'm barren as to why. The ending lingered in my thoughts and a very well crafted poem - but hey what the hell do i know? 9
I can't believe you reposted this.
a reworking of the loved child :
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Give your computer a rhyming dictionary and you are redundant with this poem.
A glass of water's the bestest drug
So 9 or 10 per day I chug
But I get more leverage
From the beverage
If I leave some ergot growing in the jug.
Good as always. Comments: 1.) the comma after 'water' shouldn't be there. Maybe you could put a line break there instead. 2.) there should be some kind of punctuation after the end of the first stanza 3.) 'a sunlight' is weird when just 'they were sunlight' would be just as good. You get a nine because, though it's not perfect, it's better than all the crap getting unwarranted 9s and 10s on this site.
This is not a limerick.