Jumpy, and bop.

Well now we now what came first, the chicken or the egg? uranus.

Fuck, that's bad.

Odd. The conversation makes a bit more sense of it. But odd. I think I want more about the elderly couple, their interaction with her (if they were there with her, or if they just were all sitting at the same table). How old is she? Hmm.

ouverture should be overture - oevreture isn't either, shame. 'my lungs swell with a lipstick coloured fruit' - I do not know of any arctic purple coloured fruits. Also you lungs swell with a fruit???! 'my hips whitely overflow' - your hips overflow in a whitely manner? maybe a comma after whitely. 'metamorphosing maggot' - what does a maggot metamorphose into? 'december doesn't close' how about 'life, short and inflexible/december does not close.'

The first line makes less than no sense. I don't just mean in its relation to the rest of the poem, although in that department it is sorely lacking. But in a pure semantic sense as well. "I would. Die for you. r Sins I lo. Veyou All." It's like a foreign language. This poem would be a lot better without it. Stick with dirty backcountry semi-primates and their confused bits of wisdom.

There are two people referring to she in this. The syntax does not always make clear which is which. Like lower jaw inside her upper jaw.

it's nice

kinda funny

fi-ee-ee-e-ve fi-ee-ee-e-ve add two fi-ee-ee-e-ve

very nice: "My touch is toxic and abundant", and I like much of the other descriptions, too. The lack of enjambment... I don't think it does much for you in this case. And I agree with half of what Zodiac says, and I'm fine with "ouverture"

I'm fine up to "I wretched", and you throwing a pineapple slice - that's just sad, IT. The reader ends up feeling more pity for the author. I'm fine with the prosthetic wielding lady, that is at least an interesting vignette.

five, seven then five - do you need an abacus? I counted this thrice.

I just noticed that almost half (28) of your poems posted here are titled "ADJECTIVE NOUN" (ie, "Tarantella Lullaby", "Bonsai Girl", "Dog Days", and so on.) Actually, those aren't even ADJ-NOUN titles; they're all NOUN-NOUN. I don't think you should be allowed to do that for awhile - if merely for variety's sake.

This is quite good, but two points: 1. Do you mean "marry me?" at the end? 2. "Bimbo" is generally used to describe a woman who is attractive yet stupid. The women you're describing does in fact seem to be "less than a bimbo", since she's ugly too.

with reference to the ouverture debate, I suggest changing metamorphose to metaphormose which is far more interesting, and a none word to boot!

How on earth did 'Meta-Ku' ever become a category? Nentwined, do you realise what you've done?! Congratulations on programming as a poem-form.

-feeling like a fool- and -our love is at an end-, both went pimply on me. The rest is great!

HARNESSE ALERT

oh - wow, there's a typo too. crap.