I'm sorry but I have trouble with the format. Enought that I have trouble getting through it. I think it might have something to do with the sushi I just had.

woah. thats deep.

nice line: "wheat in a ruckus with the wind" This one _really_ slows time.

Feels a tad too "thesorisized". I think it might need more to bring it back to the human condition (cuz, well - its not really about bulls, is it?)

Try a version of this that isn't in the first person, see if you still buy it. (I'm not saying you won't, but it might help refine the thought).

prolly a good performance piece; it makes interesting sounds.

feels pretty close to something good. I think I need a character reference; a perspective to have it make sense to me.

feels pretty close to something good. I think I need a character reference; a perspective to have it make sense to me.

"later " - layer?

nicely and subtly rhymed. EXCEPT HOBBY/LOBBY - god, fix that please.

(no title in body please). Actually a little twist there in the second to last line. Sounds (the situation) so wonderful but then there is this little shadow of doubt (the quarreling). Would be nice to exploit this more. Something like "He's so thoughtful and kind and everything is so wonderful except for the way he stares at my sister's ass when he thinks I don't see" kindof thing.

"caustic words of love"... interesting. some nice/interesting images/similies

Dust off the geetar, grab yer jamming buddy M.G. and you just might have a HIT - call your agent! I gotta say though, nobody does the [browne] like -=DA=-

I can imagine cheerleaders singing this at ShitFest, Anus Parade, or the Fecal Olympics. This is lovely, spectacular, and amazing compared to the cheers spouted at a brain-numbing highschool football game. Grade A Turd Material, Shit-Crumpet approved, worthy of a ten. Be proud, and stand with the honor befitting a Shit-Head.

Points for using formed verse - which is good cuz you need it to make up for life/strife.

This is great. As a person who works with mental patients, I can say bravo. (I think I've read this before, though....is it an edit?)

Yeah, that works.

i like it

i like shakespearean sonnets better but this is ok.

hmmmm. what inspired you to write this? jeez... i can imagine it like a musical...or an ebay commercial..they should show it in pre-schools across america..