Good one.

Think it would be better if you shortened it some... but thats me. Blessed with eight.

I relate to most of these mistakes. A fairly close description of my own process. Let us not be poets left unchangable. Good.

A little too sentimental for my taste. Blessed with seven.

Wipe that stupid smile off your bum-like face, hand your badge back to the commissioner, get the hell out of my office, and for Christ's sake put some clothes on :( -10-

very cute. and points for being the first poster of the form.

"When the lips again begin to flutter" And "I became oblivious, and alone" seem to have no meaning whatsoever. Their only purpous seems to be to force the lips to a sinuous surfeit of labial consonants in recitation.

i would have to give this work of art a zero, because it's discusting for one, and two, it's not even close to original

Better beat, verbage. Quite.

S-3 this greatening restricted. S-4 stop,period, Drop the solo line. These are my suggestions. Nice to see you in the 'hood.

I believe forwards should be forward. Verse 3, comma after "avoidance of pain". Verse 4, first 2 lines, sequentially incorrect, I think. This is a poem of sadness that I usually vote down, but you at least ask where the hope is. And I do like the rhyme in verse 2.

I presume you know Tom Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. It uses an infinite number of flips with the same result (heads) as a symbol for the failure of reason, since even after hundreds of flips Rosencrantz still chooses tails, imagining that the odds have to even out (they don't). That trick's one of the most ace things I've read in a long time.

Fabulous. You see, <~>? This is exactly what I was worried about. No vote.

Homesick traveler, I'm a little unclear, do you dream of returning to this motel room? I could take it either way. Don't answer, wnless you don't want me to see it both ways.

I find myself inclined to critique this seriously, who knows why, so here goes: 1) Drop the comma after "sway" in the first stanza. 2) Change "swiftly moving" to something else. 3) Say what color, pattern, etc. the bedcloth is, rather than simply saying it's tacky. 4) "as" in line 2 of stanza 2 should be "like" or nothing. 5) "nightstand new" is awkward; why didn't you say it in a way that made sense? 6) "it's" should be "its", and that whole clause is worded completely awfully. 7) "upward" is bad; stare at a water-stain in the shape of a beautiful woman, a light-fixture, or almost anything else. 8) The ellipses in the penultimate line are terrible. When people do that, it makes me feel like the last line is supposed to be a punchline, which is a ridiculous thing to put in a poem and a ridiculous way to set it up. I find that a comma, appositive or some interjection works a lot better to pause the poem a bit before the end; something like: but the truth, I think now, is that it just etc etc. That's awful, I know, but you get the idea. 9) I wish you'd kept up the soft rhyme from the first stanza; it was nice.

This should be reworked so "forwards" works as a plural noun.

liked it

I wrote this for my Mother who I'm not on good terms with do you think it was too mean to give as a Mother's Day gift?

That's fucked up.

very well put. if its true, I'm very sorry to hear that, but if not you did a great job at putting emotion behind it that wasnt really there.