| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Anodyne (Free verse) by wilco Bags upon the bed and opened,
speaking volumes of a traveler's wear.
The tacky, flowered curtains sway
with the cold, blowing air
and blend with the matching bedcloth.
Arranging things neatly and swiftly,
like a drifter bedding down for the night.
The book inside the nightstand drawer,
stored alone and out of sight,
hasn't been opened in years.
I lay flat on my back, smiling slightly,
and dreaming of the day that I return.
The picture on the sill seems out of place,
but the truth is,
it just makes it feel more like home.
Up the ladder:
An art undone
Down the ladder:
Diary
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.7777777
Posted: May 8, 2004 4:30 PM PDT; Last modified: May 8, 2004 5:19 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.388889 Overall Rank: 803 Comments:
[8]
deleted user @ 68.66.196.168
|
8-May-04/4:43 PM
|
Reply
Homesick traveler, I'm a little unclear, do you dream of returning to this motel room? I could take it either way. Don't answer, wnless you don't want me to see it both ways.
[n/a]
wilco @ 24.176.102.131
> deleted user
|
8-May-04/4:44 PM
|
Reply
take it however you want to take it. :)
I find myself inclined to critique this seriously, who knows why, so here goes:
1) Drop the comma after "sway" in the first stanza. 2) Change "swiftly moving" to something else. 3) Say what color, pattern, etc. the bedcloth is, rather than simply saying it's tacky. 4) "as" in line 2 of stanza 2 should be "like" or nothing. 5) "nightstand new" is awkward; why didn't you say it in a way that made sense? 6) "it's" should be "its", and that whole clause is worded completely awfully. 7) "upward" is bad; stare at a water-stain in the shape of a beautiful woman, a light-fixture, or almost anything else. 8) The ellipses in the penultimate line are terrible. When people do that, it makes me feel like the last line is supposed to be a punchline, which is a ridiculous thing to put in a poem and a ridiculous way to set it up. I find that a comma, appositive or some interjection works a lot better to pause the poem a bit before the end; something like: but the truth, I think now, is that it just etc etc. That's awful, I know, but you get the idea. 9) I wish you'd kept up the soft rhyme from the first stanza; it was nice.
thanks for the input.
...and by the way, The Raleigh Song ain't half bad.
Super. The bassist does the reggae ones. Don't ask me what he's talking about.
Are you Dave?
No, I am most definitely not Dave.
...I'm Rick James, bitch.
The only pictures I see on sills are through the window pane. To see this one, I am standing out on the fire escape looking in on your poem. Is this the perspective from which you were writing this poem? I like the thought of that. Please don't tell me "no." There's an intimacy attached to the thought of looking into other's windows. I just hope I don't get caught. Good.
"like a drifter bedding down for the night."
He IS a drifter bedding down for the night. Nice fail! 286 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
