| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
forwards (Free verse) by nentwined Railing against time as objective reality,
still I go only forwards,
no matter the drugs,
meditation,
or prayers.
Before me is tears, behind me is bland,
the only response that I feel
is 'and?'.
And what is this life, this hell self-inflicted,
this avoidance of pain
the greater
pain?
And where is the rainbow of all these tomorrows
that glistens in tears I hold in,
where is the whisper
that unfurls my hope,
so tightly
curled
and twisted?
Is it forwards?
Up the ladder:
Loose Change
Down the ladder:
On The Bench Outside Gruhn's Guitars
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.909091
Posted: May 8, 2004 12:52 PM PDT; Last modified: May 8, 2004 12:52 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.4545455 Overall Rank: 724 Comments:
I believe forwards should be forward. Verse 3, comma after "avoidance of pain". Verse 4, first 2 lines, sequentially incorrect, I think. This is a poem of sadness that I usually vote down, but you at least ask where the hope is. And I do like the rhyme in verse 2.
Thanks for the comments--my understanding is that 'forward' and 'fowards' are rather interchangeable, as 'toward' and 'towards', though I've seen arguments about both. Thanks for the comments--I know the angst of angst poems, but sometimes you (I?) just "have to do them", as much as I hate that. And I'm far too much of an attention-hound to write a poem and not display it for feedback; sometimes I really wonder where my ones and twos are. [[that's not a request, though!]]
I found the word "forwards" in only one of my three dictionaries, and it shows it as a less-preferred form of "forward." And please look at the first two lines of verse 4.
I suppose I'm not seeing what you're saying with s4l1-2... could you write out what you would see as the results of your suggestion?
"And where is the rainbow of all these tomorrows" implies something good after the tomorrows. "that glistens in tears I hold in" is present tense. Of course you could say "tears I will hold in" but really, is this a good line of thought?
Hmm. I think I see what you're saying there, but it really doesn't seem out of place to me. The rainbow of all these tomorrows is hope (ish), so it in that sense it does happen before the tomorrows happen, and is thus present, and directly related to the tears, though not actually reflecting from them; it would be reflecting _in_ them.
Okay. You've wiggled out of it or in it. I'll let you alone now. And yes it could be seen that way.
Thanks. :)
This should be reworked so "forwards" works as a plural noun.
In fact, this poem could be re-written to use the motif of endlessly circulating and receiving the same e-mail forwards as a symbol for modern directionlessness or something. Basically, it would involve starting over with only the title from this piece, but since you've already admitted to disliking this one, it couldn't hurt.
I'm serious, nentwined. If you don't do it, I will.
go for it.
we always could both. I'm not feeling inspired as such, at the moment. If you'd like me to say I won't, so you can, I could. ish. It's your idea, after all. :)
Time is an illusion /echo
An unusual thing from you, this. Feels pimply, I want to pick it to shreds.
I'm glad it's not just me. People I think vote more my status than my poetry. Or something.
In my depression I felt it had to be crap. Feeling somewhat better, I find it very interesting crap; the stacatto-like almost-flow is nice. Or almost nice. The message--over-simplistic, if there at all. La. You're all too kind, even the 7.
How can you say that when you know full well poetry is subjective?
One mans trash,blah blah blah.
Subjectivity only goes so far. This poem was good for me, in that it got some things out of me. But that doesn't make it a good poem, at least in the ranker sense. To my eyes. I suppose if other people like it, ... erm. I'll just leave this as confused. Ot something.
Thoughts not so much happen, lately.
Well, Just don't give up. That's all I ask.
I think I can manage that.
I think I can, I think I can. :)
...so tightly curled and twisted...I like this line...I like this poem...Bethy:)
540 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
this greatening
restricted.
S-4 stop,period, Drop the solo line.
These are my suggestions. Nice to see you in the 'hood.