| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Boys with Guns (Free verse) by Hostileintent Have you ever seen a picture
A picture taken of a child
A child with a gun, who has never seen the fun
The fun that the gun deprived
Have you ever seen a picture
A picture taken for
To show the Grotesque Obscenity
The Obscenity Grotesque, the Grotesque Obscenity of war
Who ever heard of the boy soldier
Those essential elements of war
Disgusting, Disgusting. Iâm Disgusted. Disgusting
The Grotesque Obscenity of war
Have you ever seen a picture
Of a boy, without a home
A picture, a boy, no home- a war
The Grotesque Obscenity of war
Up the ladder:
The Wooden Armchair Of Similar Dreams
Down the ladder:
My Wife
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.909091
Posted: September 19, 2003 7:06 AM PDT; Last modified: September 19, 2003 7:06 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.4545455 Overall Rank: 721 Comments:
[7]
?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 195.92.67.76
|
19-Sep-03/7:14 AM
|
Reply
No. Where can I find such pictures?
[n/a]
Hostileintent @ 217.78.4.17
> ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
|
19-Sep-03/7:20 AM
|
Reply
you sad bastard. go fuck yourself, you snob. 'where can i find such pictures' he asks. well ill tell you, amnesty international.
[n/a]
Hostileintent @ 217.78.4.17
> ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
|
19-Sep-03/7:20 AM
|
Reply
i fucking lived in one of these places. ive seen it so fuck yourself
[7]
?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 195.92.67.76
> Hostileintent
|
19-Sep-03/7:36 AM
|
Reply
Before I read your poem, I thought war was quite a good idea, but now I'm really against it.
[7]
?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 195.92.67.71
> Hostileintent
|
19-Sep-03/5:21 PM
|
Reply
Please see "In Memory of Princess Diana" by me.
I have heard of, and have seen such a picture.. not pleasant.
the repetition makes it seem like your starting to stammer, as if gripped by anxiety or nervouseness.. at first i thought it out of place, but then you mentioned that you lived in such a place, and it made sense.. was that the purpose? or was it simply done to give more force to emotion? (im all curiouse this morning) overall, 8
[_] AABB rhyming scheme
[_] About romantic love [_] About poetry-writing [_] About suicide or self-mutilation [_] Arbitrary indentation [x] Arbitrary line breaks [_] Autobiographical but in the third person [_] Clerical errors [x] Cliched imagery (staring out of window, pits of despair) [_] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.) [x] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments [x] Devoid of rhyme [_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices [_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery [_] Drug references [_] Elves, unicorns, etc. [_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits' [_] Insipidly whimsical or zany [_] Leaving rant [_] Lower case only [x] Melodramatic [_] Naively religious or superstitious [_] Obsessed with femininity [_] Overabundance of ellipses [x] Overuse of 'depression' words (putrid, wretched, darkness, etc) [x] Pointedly unanswered questions [_] Protagonist has a smug name [_] Rage against the machine [_] References to the author's 'social life' [x] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea [x] Sanctimoniously moral [_] Sentimental [_] Self-pity [_] Thesaurophilia [_] Use of internet shorthand or emoticons [x] Vicarious wish fulfilment SPA
You use a lot of repetition in this poem, but I think the repetition is apropriate. War is suffering and corruption ad nauseum ad nauseum. I speak from experience. I think the world today is severely lacking in feminine influence, and we will all suffer until this imbalance is righted. So much is being wasted. It is not even clearly understood why we are fighting. I wish I were not here. I am probably losing my marbles. Thankyou.
239 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
