replying on Old Friend by Dovina
11 May 2005, 5:25 AM
No, I'd like it better if it was written better. The first two lines, I mean.
Here are some dog-related rhymes for 'pet' you could have used instead:
fret, get, jet, let, met, set, sweat, vet, wet, yet, arquette, bassette, beget, beset, brunette, cornet, corvette, cossette, duet, forget, regret, rosette, roulette, tibet, upset, vignette, anisette, cigarette, flageolet, kitchenette, silhouette, sobriquet, tagamet, looks-rather-like-Cate-Blanchett, and so on.
If I can make one small suggestion: Don't make practically all your lines non sequitors, especially not the first two. You're going to do a lot better saying,
Then a happy healthy pet
Until he ate my tagomet,
than saying something like
Then a happy healthy pet.
What ever happened to John Larroquete?
Just a suggestion anyway. Personally, I like it when you rhyme.
Here are some dog-related rhymes for 'pet' you could have used instead:
fret, get, jet, let, met, set, sweat, vet, wet, yet, arquette, bassette, beget, beset, brunette, cornet, corvette, cossette, duet, forget, regret, rosette, roulette, tibet, upset, vignette, anisette, cigarette, flageolet, kitchenette, silhouette, sobriquet, tagamet, looks-rather-like-Cate-Blanchett, and so on.
If I can make one small suggestion: Don't make practically all your lines non sequitors, especially not the first two. You're going to do a lot better saying,
Then a happy healthy pet
Until he ate my tagomet,
than saying something like
Then a happy healthy pet.
What ever happened to John Larroquete?
Just a suggestion anyway. Personally, I like it when you rhyme.
replying on Finding Gin and Santa by richa
11 May 2005, 5:00 AM
Yeah, but that's kind of the thing about being funny, isn't it? The thing about mocking, too.
on a 9,000.00$ Philippine script treatment by Shardik
11 May 2005, 4:59 AM
This is excellent. I might possibly give head to see a good movie about Filipinos.
replying on My Best Friend, 1985 by jessicazee
10 May 2005, 4:11 AM
You're welcome. No poem; in my village we only get one English-language radio station. It's biggest hits are Lionel Richie's "Hello?" and George Michaels' "Careless Whisper" - both, incidentally, memorized by all Jordanians over 12. I hear Debbie Deb and Journey at least once a day.
on stumbling into love by sungoesdown
10 May 2005, 3:30 AM
"stumling" should be "stumbling".
on The cry of the Locust by nothingtoanyone
10 May 2005, 3:29 AM
Dear Christ.
You can't say "Now thy will hold everything". You can say, "Now thou willest hold everything", or "Now thou wilst hold everything", or "Now thy will holds everything". But you probably shouldn't.
Also, "strikith" should be "striketh". And why are you talking like some drunken Cotton Mather?
You can't say "Now thy will hold everything". You can say, "Now thou willest hold everything", or "Now thou wilst hold everything", or "Now thy will holds everything". But you probably shouldn't.
Also, "strikith" should be "striketh". And why are you talking like some drunken Cotton Mather?
on Gone Forever (in loving memory of a teacher) by Princess_Snowflake
10 May 2005, 3:20 AM
"He was around when he was alive"
What exactly does that mean?
What exactly does that mean?
on Waiting to be Consumed by Alizarin_Crimson
10 May 2005, 3:19 AM
This was good, right up to "She is a blander confection".
on My Best Friend, 1985 by jessicazee
10 May 2005, 3:17 AM
This poem is remarkably like My Life in the MidEast, 2005.
on Old Friend by Dovina
8 May 2005, 11:12 PM
The first two lines are straight from crystal lane swift. The rest is good.
on Agoraphobia in a Secret Garden by darylchew
8 May 2005, 11:01 PM
Drop the word "Secret" from the title. The Garden of Eden isn't exactly secret, especially considering the earth's entire human population at the time knew about it.
on Dying breed by INTRANSIT
8 May 2005, 10:52 PM
Really great.
I think you mean "Broken", not "Boken", but I could be wrong. Also, "country's" instead of "countrys".
Have you read E. Annie Proulx's short story "Brokeback Mountain"? It offers an interesting theory as to why cowboys are a dying breed.
I think you mean "Broken", not "Boken", but I could be wrong. Also, "country's" instead of "countrys".
Have you read E. Annie Proulx's short story "Brokeback Mountain"? It offers an interesting theory as to why cowboys are a dying breed.
on Maybe my answer is maybe by Prince of Void
8 May 2005, 10:47 PM
I don't understand. So your way of living life to its fullest is to avoid even the possibility of giving a real answer?
replying on a way to pass time by unknown^user
8 May 2005, 10:32 PM
Silly.
unknown^user hasn't written about anybody or anybody's world. That much should be obvious. Besides, I don't get Law & Order in my world (though I do, Alhamidulillah, get a watered-down 'Daily Show' about once a week). I dissed you because your poems are the most consistently essay-like on poemranker. About half the time, they're the most user's-manual-like, actually.
unknown^user hasn't written about anybody or anybody's world. That much should be obvious. Besides, I don't get Law & Order in my world (though I do, Alhamidulillah, get a watered-down 'Daily Show' about once a week). I dissed you because your poems are the most consistently essay-like on poemranker. About half the time, they're the most user's-manual-like, actually.
on a way to pass time by unknown^user
7 May 2005, 4:56 AM
This is good. Don't listen to Dovina. Like she'd know.
on Spirit In a Temple by peaceseeker
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
I don't think you meant "physiological".
2 & 3) Sorry. I wasn't trying to be hard on you. It's just that when you write a poem you need to make sure it makes sense and isn't just a bunch of random gobble that doesn't make any sense or seem in the least true.
No, that's not true. When you write a poem for yourself you can write it however you want. You can even write it in poo. But when you write a poem and submit it for other people's approval and comments, you can either try to make it some way they'll like or you can put up with people saying they don't like it and why. The reason I didn't like this poem is it doesn't make sense and it doesn't have anything to do with my world (which isn't held together by strings but by Love and humankind's general need for social interaction.) There. You can take it or leave it.
PS-I voted you a 10 in order to encourage you.