| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Old Friend (Free verse) by Dovina -for Bob and Baby Dumpling-
Then a happy healthy pet
it seemed you'd won our friendly bet
cough and wheeze
congestive heart disease
at your dying
keep on trying
Seven to one
my years to yours
legs that run
while yours refuse.
I know what you cannot
pick you up
tread the stairs
pat your head
and say good night
Sleep well, my friend
what you cannot know
is better unknown
Up the ladder:
a wonderful life
Down the ladder:
rainfall saga 1
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: May 3, 2005 2:29 PM PDT; Last modified: May 7, 2005 11:55 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5716 Comments:
[5]
INTRANSIT @ 204.110.228.254
|
8-May-05/8:58 AM
|
Reply
Interesting. Starting out with a playful rhyme and then it gets all serious. I don't think it does the pet justice, though. do it again.
[n/a]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.185
> INTRANSIT
|
10-May-05/10:36 AM
|
Reply
Hey, sorry to get all serious on you and offend your sensibilities regarding the intelligence of dogs, but really, wouldn't rather not know?
I like this a lot, for its simplicity and sincerity. It's the 'cannot' that hurts somehow. It hurts the poem, is what I mean...
Some people say a dog knows when its death is near. I prefer to think that an event so traumatic and unknown before entering it cannot be understood by a dog to the extent that humans can understand it. I think our knowledge on the subject has done us little good.
The first two lines are straight from crystal lane swift. The rest is good.
Would you like it better if it didnâÂÂt rhyme?
No, I'd like it better if it was written better. The first two lines, I mean.
Here are some dog-related rhymes for 'pet' you could have used instead: fret, get, jet, let, met, set, sweat, vet, wet, yet, arquette, bassette, beget, beset, brunette, cornet, corvette, cossette, duet, forget, regret, rosette, roulette, tibet, upset, vignette, anisette, cigarette, flageolet, kitchenette, silhouette, sobriquet, tagamet, looks-rather-like-Cate-Blanchett, and so on. If I can make one small suggestion: Don't make practically all your lines non sequitors, especially not the first two. You're going to do a lot better saying, Then a happy healthy pet Until he ate my tagomet, than saying something like Then a happy healthy pet. What ever happened to John Larroquete? Just a suggestion anyway. Personally, I like it when you rhyme.
If by "tagumet" you mean "tegument" or skin, Baby Dumpling would not have died in old age.
Sorry, I actually meant tagamet. Tagumet is rhymezone.com's misspelling, and I was too lazy to catch it.
The poem is very nice.It's sad about the pet.
It was sad for Bob when his pet, Baby Dumpling, was dying of congestive heart disease. As I watched them together near the end, it seemed that it was not sad for Baby Dumpling. The dog seemed happy for an extra measure of attention.
288 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
