Re: a comment on Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/2:23 PM
The lesson learned.
Re: a comment on Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/2:20 PM
I gravitate towards strong men. I suppose there's nothing peculiar about that. I think they help me figure out what I am. I awful lot to contend with. So you are a mirror of sorts. Thank you for playing along.
Re: a comment on Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/2:07 PM
No, I don't want you in pain. I just want to give your cruelty some nobler excuse. Plus there's my intuition, not that she hasn't been wrong before. She certainly has. can I slap you and then hold you? the lines are getting blurry, which is good I think. I don't want you less bold, no I certaintly don't.
Re: Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/1:41 PM
It's definitely an improvement. It's like anything else. You have to keep practicing. This may be your form of expression or it may not. try other releases as well. who knows you might be a dancer. You're admirably determined. it's not an overnight thing. Get intosicated and write down every word that enters you.
Re: a comment on Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/1:30 PM
Sometimes I think you're in more pain then the rest of us. wishful thinking probably. does everyone have to be sand under your shoes? God i'd really like to go at it with you. and I don't know if I mean fist-a-cuffs, or matress-cide. I guess it's both. I run for the same reasons you ride.
Re: a comment on Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/1:06 PM
It was me. I axed it. I reveal too much.
Re: Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/12:13 PM
Take the ands out. Take the ofs out. Take the thats out. "Oh god her smile" is what I'm looking for. It's working. Go to it.
Re: a comment on Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/11:49 AM
Feelings buried alive never die. What's it gonna take til you're alright? It's not as bad as think it's going to be. The worst has already been done to you. You're not a victim anymore. I now that's scary. I was a victim for years. I depended on it. Fuck that shit. Don't beat around the bush.
Re: a comment on Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/11:44 AM
The pain will redeem you. "Behind everything of beauty there's a whole lot of pain" Bob Dylan I think. You are far from alone. Give your audience the benefit of the soubt. Say your piece with as few words as possible. They'll get it. Steal from me if you must. Every writer steals at first. I give you permission. Use a format and stick in your own words. "No Decent Way" is simple and easy to substitute. Read Dark Angels parody of my poem. His- "I am the Author of a Magickal Poeme" mine- "I am the Widow of a Murdered Husband" He does an incredible job of it. then when you've come up with some images you like, place them in your poem.
Re: whilst the bells ring by richa	1-Oct-02/11:26 AM
Fuck yes! S4 is briliant. Simple. "The scythe of the bells" is unique and has a lovely sound. Please help loneshadow out. He's got the will but lacks only the tools. Lend him some of yours please. You are a fine craftsman.
Re: Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/11:13 AM
o.k. you're headed in the right direction but you need to lighten the load. The first line is no good for a start. Falling Fast. Falling swiftly past the memories. She cherished me once, or so I thought./ Not "the nights" But " cold nights long nights warm nights. Tell m eexactly, precisely what the nights were. Remember and show me. Stop writing like you're thinking. Start writing like you're feeling. "My love blanketing her from the indifferent, frigid, callous, insensible night. This process takes hours upon hours. Read something in the meantime. that always helps me. Pray to her. Use your subconscience as well. Say the words aloud. Make the tears flow from your eyes
Re: Winter Rose by Brennan	1-Oct-02/10:28 AM
Do I know you? Pierced is miss-spelled at end.
Re: Haiku for Mum by waltfreakinwhitman	1-Oct-02/10:12 AM
Hahahahahahaha!!! Totally unexpected. great punchline, you sick bastard.
Re: a comment on Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/10:08 AM
Yes well Daddies are important, but boys will be boys. Mommy's soft, and she smells of cinnamon and vanilla. Daddy's mean and makes everyone cry, including mommy. I hate daddy.
Re: Fall from Love's Grace by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/9:56 AM
Show me the memories. Don't tell about memories. "Suddenly I shatterer. Striking the cold concrete reality of her/No longer desiring my words/ No longer craving my touch/ I lie broken./And she, with her Blah,blah blah,(description of her) and full of life moves on./ I belong to this silence/ I am frozen in this sorrow. I hope I'm not being to presumptious. I'm not implying this is the way the poem should be written, I'm just trying to give you an example of how you should play with the draft til it's as pretty as it can be. Then/They/My/I/Of must be avoided as much as possible. Show me what 's happening don't explain it to me.
Re: Why am I here? by harrytuttle	1-Oct-02/9:27 AM
No this isn't the one I was speaking of. I hadn't read this. Again the insid eoutside comparison is a bit too predictable, but you handle the inside very well. And the image of a men in tie & trousers rolling down a grassy slope is wonderful. My boyfriends an engineer at a giant defense company. the first thing he does when he leaves the building is take off his shirt and tie and walk to his car bare chested.
Re: a comment on Life of a Cubicle Dweller by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/9:19 AM
I find what works for me, what most people who read my poems react to, is when I'm dead on specific. Pick someone or something a meeting whatever, and write down your feelings and attitudes. A sketch if you will, then find the best sounding words and re-sketch it. Good luck.
Re: Another Julie by Brennan	1-Oct-02/9:13 AM
Wow. I'm suprised at how good this is. Usually this style is executed very badly.
Re: Life of a Cubicle Dweller by loneshadow29	1-Oct-02/8:38 AM
I want more from this little poem. The subject si an important one, and there is so much material there to draw from. I think you should continue working on this and fleshing it out more. Make some observations about the dynamics between co-workers or some such thing. The contrast between nature and interior is too predictable. Wasn't there a poem posted about 2 weeks ago on the subject of office life that was pretty good I can't find it. Can any one tell me?
Re: 5 p.m. by cobalt	1-Oct-02/8:29 AM
The first stanza is particularly beautiful, and though I love a strong finish, a beautiful beginning is a treat. Nice poem. Strong finish.