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5 p.m. (Free verse) by cobalt
Hoary tufts of winter weeds beard the slate slope, roadside. I know it is not winter yet with Solstice still some weeks away, and December cheats us on paper. It should be snow by the date but rain drenches raw black bared limbs uplifted shaking stiffened fingers at the sinking sky In front of me, homebound holidayers halted heated, in the southbound stream unwilling to witness (unlike me) the inky black pines block printed on a chemical tinted sky My eyes glaze carmine in the light of countless tails Rivers of wet red run on black down to the bridge, over the river through the air mocking the waters below I count three seconds moving for every thirty of patience. I am aging, here in this queue. I should breathe. I should sing. I should let it flow away, all this tension, unused Instead I watch and here I write by the green of my submarine dash. The occasional swash of sodium orange spills through my slow-moving cell Steely night sends us each home in solitary; but toward the traffic, I find myself tempered looking at the stained glass sky, unlined unlike this hiway, a transparent firmament where, with just one glance, I am home

Down the ladder: Rescue 911

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Weighted score: 5.4
Overall Rank: 3177
Posted: September 25, 2002 10:56 AM PDT; Last modified: September 25, 2002 12:41 PM PDT
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Comments:
[9] deleted user @ 167.206.181.179 | 25-Sep-02/11:12 AM | Reply
very nice. i like the alliteration bumping along. this sounds like someone else on this site, though. are you Dark Angel, by any chance? the style is so similar. 2 things: 4th to last line, take the s from "towards." and "hiway"? great stuff, keep it up, Cobalt, if that's your real name!
[7] knickytoy @ 24.45.19.89 | 25-Sep-02/11:37 AM | Reply
Best poem about traffic ever!
I like the colors and the aliteration. The chemically colored bothers me though. Maybe lose the ly???
[n/a] cobalt @ 167.206.181.179 > knickytoy | 25-Sep-02/12:34 PM | Reply
yep to you both. 'hiway' stays because 'Parkway' doesn't have a long i sound.
[8] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.209.107 | 25-Sep-02/3:19 PM | Reply
Be glad you dont have a CB to listen to everyones unintelligible droning whilst stuck. I like orange soda.8 Only 'cause I'm still learning.
[n/a] Tibbs @ 67.84.171.10 | 25-Sep-02/10:46 PM | Reply
If you would take the train, you'd avoid this mess. But then, would we have this poem?
[9] Christof @ 195.172.133.226 | 1-Oct-02/8:22 AM | Reply
Great use of alliteration and assonance in this - I can hear traffic.
[9] god'swife @ 209.178.176.17 | 1-Oct-02/8:29 AM | Reply
The first stanza is particularly beautiful, and though I love a strong finish, a beautiful beginning is a treat. Nice poem. Strong finish.
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