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Fall from Love's Grace (Free verse) by loneshadow29 made a few changes of "Flight of a Broken Heart" (including the title),
hopefully it's a little better
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Falling swiftly past memories
Of love I once thought she cherished
The long nights, holding her so close
feeling the rhythm of her heartbeat
as my love blankets her heart, keeping it safe
From winter's frigid touch
Each kiss oh so gentle, yet full of passion
Looking into her sapphire eyes
Shining in the twilight, oh true beauty to behold
So much like a dream, like heaven made true
Tears welling, wishing it didn't end
To see her smile, oh god her smile
A smile that would warm the coldest heart
To once more, feel her next to me
to taste the sweetness of her lips
But suddenly, I strike the cold concrete of reality
The heart which soared from her love
shatters against the harsh truth
That she no longer craves
my loving words nor my gentle touch
she has moved on, full of life
as I lie here, broken and alone
shrouded in sorrow, the heart beats no more
and the rest is only silence
Up the ladder:
We Poor Rise
Down the ladder:
Train
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: October 1, 2002 6:36 AM PDT; Last modified: October 1, 2002 12:00 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7718 Comments:
[7]
god'swife @ 209.178.176.17
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1-Oct-02/9:56 AM
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Reply
Show me the memories. Don't tell about memories. "Suddenly I shatterer. Striking the cold concrete reality of her/No longer desiring my words/ No longer craving my touch/ I lie broken./And she, with her Blah,blah blah,(description of her) and full of life moves on./ I belong to this silence/ I am frozen in this sorrow. I hope I'm not being to presumptious. I'm not implying this is the way the poem should be written, I'm just trying to give you an example of how you should play with the draft til it's as pretty as it can be. Then/They/My/I/Of must be avoided as much as possible. Show me what 's happening don't explain it to me.
[n/a]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.4
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/10:01 AM
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Reply
I tell him this every day. Maybe he will listen to a mother figure.
[7]
god'swife @ 209.178.176.17
> poetandknowit
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1-Oct-02/10:08 AM
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Reply
Yes well Daddies are important, but boys will be boys. Mommy's soft, and she smells of cinnamon and vanilla. Daddy's mean and makes everyone cry, including mommy. I hate daddy.
[n/a]
loneshadow29 @ 63.80.251.76
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/10:26 AM
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Reply
Thanks God'swife... I guess back to the drawing board... I'm gonna try to make at least one poem worth a damn...
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 152.163.188.7
> loneshadow29
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1-Oct-02/11:03 AM
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Reply
I'd like to give you a hand too. When you're ready, look up my profile and e-mail me.
[n/a]
loneshadow29 @ 63.80.251.73
> INTRANSIT
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1-Oct-02/1:14 PM
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Reply
sure... but I tried to access your email... if you want, mail me at my email... apparently I need all the help I can get...
[n/a]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.4
> loneshadow29
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1-Oct-02/1:23 PM
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Reply
Or look at it another way. Maybe people see something in you and are trying to yank it the fuck out. Don't always look down. It is not pleasant in a man. And you will get a hump by time you are 40.
[7]
god'swife @ 209.178.178.168
> poetandknowit
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1-Oct-02/1:30 PM
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Reply
Sometimes I think you're in more pain then the rest of us. wishful thinking probably. does everyone have to be sand under your shoes? God i'd really like to go at it with you. and I don't know if I mean fist-a-cuffs, or matress-cide. I guess it's both. I run for the same reasons you ride.
[n/a]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.4
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/1:42 PM
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Reply
Would you really like it if I were in pain? Physically or mentally. Which would give you the most satisfaction? To see me bleeding (which is actually quite often) or heart broken. Which? Would you actually want to slap me across the face or merely hold me and sooth the wreckage that is me. If I were ugly, would it make things easier? If I were less, bold. You tell me, you ask me. I will give you the answers. My aim is true.
[7]
god'swife @ 209.179.135.177
> poetandknowit
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1-Oct-02/2:07 PM
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No, I don't want you in pain. I just want to give your cruelty some nobler excuse. Plus there's my intuition, not that she hasn't been wrong before. She certainly has. can I slap you and then hold you? the lines are getting blurry, which is good I think. I don't want you less bold, no I certaintly don't.
[n/a]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.4
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/2:11 PM
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Reply
What would make cruelty noble?
[7]
god'swife @ 209.179.135.177
> poetandknowit
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1-Oct-02/2:23 PM
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Reply
The lesson learned.
[n/a]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.4
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/2:24 PM
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Reply
Does the learning not show in the words I write? But let's not try to justify cruelty. It is what it is.
[7]
god'swife @ 209.179.135.177
> poetandknowit
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1-Oct-02/2:20 PM
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Reply
I gravitate towards strong men. I suppose there's nothing peculiar about that. I think they help me figure out what I am. I awful lot to contend with. So you are a mirror of sorts. Thank you for playing along.
[n/a]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.4
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/2:29 PM
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There in lies the problem. No matter how attracted we could be to one another physically or mentally, it would not function because of that factor. Could you dig me on the level of who I am or only on the level of what I am? Most likely not. That is where the water comes in, showers, baths, waterfalls. We need it to sustain us. And if there was a pass, I would eventually break you down with my cruelty, no matter how much I loved you, and you would hopefully leave me. It has been and endless cycle. I am what you are afraid to be. There I summed it up.
[7]
god'swife @ 209.179.135.177
> poetandknowit
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1-Oct-02/2:38 PM
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You are what I cannot be. I am a women first. Much of me is masculine, but that is all secondary. I would have made a hell of man. That would have been easy for me. I'm working towards being a hell of a women. Could I love you for who you are? Eventually I will, if things go on at this ultra-fast pace it won't be long. I have what I need and so do you. I don't believe you would be cruel to me. We're past all that. You're the part of the next step. Friendship I think it's called. Ask Horus. We've been through exactly this together
[n/a]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.4
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/2:44 PM
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Reply
As I would make a good woman. We shall slow things down. There is no rush. I am off to run the streets of San Francisco before meeting a friend who tempts me as much as you. But that is another story.
[n/a]
loneshadow29 @ 63.80.251.73
> poetandknowit
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1-Oct-02/1:47 PM
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Reply
or another way is that I can't or I'm not permitted to see the that something others see in me... or maybe I refuse to see it because I know myself better than anyone else... I don't always look down, but then again, I hardly look up...
[n/a]
poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.4
> loneshadow29
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1-Oct-02/1:56 PM
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Reply
I am just looking at the words you put here and a quick perusal of your website. You describe the way people who have experienced depression like 99% of the other people who describe it. And that is not a bad thing, but you are attempting a different medium and maybe somewhere in here you have a chance or even the ability to hop over to that 1%. That is not an easy thing, especially if you are in a good comfort zone. It is not comfortable being a writer. And that is where I come in. Plus, you say you wrote many of your feelings as you were actually experiencing them. Now step back and think about that. What really can we accomplish that is worth a shit when we are depressed? Nothing. But we have the ability to understand the feelings, it makes us self aware and self obsessed and usually looking back does not take us to the pit again, but helps us understand where and why we were there. I.E. Poetry.
[n/a]
loneshadow29 @ 63.80.251.76
> poetandknowit
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2-Oct-02/8:07 AM
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Reply
I see the truth in your words... I'm still trying to understand the nature of the thing though... I know where and I know when... but why is the question I'm still trying to answer... if I can answer that question, maybe I can give form to the feelings that I've written... you think?
[n/a]
loneshadow29 @ 63.80.251.76
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/11:05 AM
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Reply
does it sound any better than before? God, I hope so :o)
o.k. you're headed in the right direction but you need to lighten the load. The first line is no good for a start. Falling Fast. Falling swiftly past the memories. She cherished me once, or so I thought./ Not "the nights" But " cold nights long nights warm nights. Tell m eexactly, precisely what the nights were. Remember and show me. Stop writing like you're thinking. Start writing like you're feeling. "My love blanketing her from the indifferent, frigid, callous, insensible night. This process takes hours upon hours. Read something in the meantime. that always helps me. Pray to her. Use your subconscience as well. Say the words aloud. Make the tears flow from your eyes
I will try my best... but it's hard to... something still remains inside... something I've tried to let die but would not, it cannot... but if the pain will make this into something... then I guess I must...
The pain will redeem you. "Behind everything of beauty there's a whole lot of pain" Bob Dylan I think. You are far from
alone. Give your audience the benefit of the soubt. Say your piece with as few words as possible. They'll get it. Steal from me if you must. Every writer steals at first. I give you permission. Use a format and stick in your own words. "No Decent Way" is simple and easy to substitute. Read Dark Angels parody of my poem. His- "I am the Author of a Magickal Poeme" mine- "I am the Widow of a Murdered Husband" He does an incredible job of it. then when you've come up with some images you like, place them in your poem.
Feelings buried alive never die. What's it gonna take til you're alright? It's not as bad as think it's going to be. The worst has already been done to you. You're not a victim anymore. I now that's scary. I was a victim for years. I depended on it. Fuck that shit. Don't beat around the bush.
I understand you completely... I took what I could, every moment I remember clearly... I tried my best to capture... I hope I captured everything the way it was... exactly how it was :o) But it sounds like it may be too much... does it to you?
Take the ands out. Take the ofs out. Take the thats out. "Oh god her smile" is what I'm looking for. It's working. Go to it.
Thank you so much god'swife... it looks a lot better than it did once before...
How bout.. Fucking bitch you broke my heart, you ain't nothing but a stupid, lousy tart, now i lie alone and sad, you made me feel so fucking bad, you left because i was a loser, but will you love me as a boozer you smug lousy lay give me back my t.v. give me back my cb, so i can hit the road tugging all day and keep the memory of your ugly smile at bay, you hag you drag take a cab to my pad i wll show what you never had. That is direct.
come on p&k, give me a break will ya? I'm trying to get this right... at least god'swife and intransit have been kind enough to try to help me
this has nothing to do with you. What did you do with GWs stream of conscious?
It was me. I axed it. I reveal too much.
damn.
I thought it was great... :o)
Okay lone shadow here it goes:
Line one is confusing: Falling past memories is an obscure image for reflection. Line two: get rid of cherished. It is a trite word. Combined together you start out with something vague rather than concrete so the read has no footing to stand on. Falling swiftly past memories Of love I once thought she cherished The long nights, holding her so close feeling the rhythm of her heartbeat as my love blankets her heart, keeping it safe all this is sap. From winter's frigid touch here is the first decent line. Maybe start here and work from this. Each kiss oh so gentle, yet full of passion sap. a gentle kiss would automatically denote passion. sapphire eyes (reflecting) twilight, this creates more of a sense of loss. It is an image working for you twofold. Looking into is telling us something we already know. If you know the color of the eyes, obviously you looked into them. So much like a dream, like heaven made true a double whammy of bad cliches. Tears welling, wishing it didn't end To see her smile, oh god her smile comes off like a cheesy styx song. Okay, I quit here.
It's definitely an improvement. It's like anything else. You have to keep practicing. This may be your form of expression or it may not. try other releases as well. who knows you might be a dancer. You're admirably determined. it's not an overnight thing. Get intosicated and write down every word that enters you.
thanks... I don't know about being a dancer but I'm a little scared about writing after getting s**t-faced... god only knows what I'll write or more the case... what the heck it'll look like... my guess -- the flight pattern of a acid tripped fly :p
Stop being afraid stop it stop it stop it. What's the worst that happen? You'll get your heart broken? Already happened? You'll make a fool of yourself? From what little I can gather, you don't have a problem with criticism. You handle it better then others I've seen. Don't be afraid. You belong here as much as the trees and the stars. You are breathing the air, it is making you live. There's a reason for that. Don't doubt it. Have fun! What's the worst that can happen, that hasn't happened already?
that's biologically impossible. a fly doesn't have the mental capacity to understand, or be effected by, the introduction of lysergic acid into its blood stream. it would die before it could fly. unless you could hit it mid flight with a squirt gun. interesting.i
No quoting Shakespeare at the end of poems, it makes you look like a child trying to appear intellectual.
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