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Fall from Love's Grace (Free verse) by loneshadow29

made a few changes of "Flight of a Broken Heart" (including the title), hopefully it's a little better --------------------------------------------- Falling swiftly past memories Of love I once thought she cherished The long nights, holding her so close feeling the rhythm of her heartbeat as my love blankets her heart, keeping it safe From winter's frigid touch Each kiss oh so gentle, yet full of passion Looking into her sapphire eyes Shining in the twilight, oh true beauty to behold So much like a dream, like heaven made true Tears welling, wishing it didn't end To see her smile, oh god her smile A smile that would warm the coldest heart To once more, feel her next to me to taste the sweetness of her lips But suddenly, I strike the cold concrete of reality The heart which soared from her love shatters against the harsh truth That she no longer craves my loving words nor my gentle touch she has moved on, full of life as I lie here, broken and alone shrouded in sorrow, the heart beats no more and the rest is only silence

poetandknowit 1-Oct-02/1:20 PM
Okay lone shadow here it goes:

Line one is confusing: Falling past memories is an obscure image for reflection.
Line two: get rid of cherished. It is a trite word. Combined together you start out with something vague rather than concrete so the read has no footing to stand on.

Falling swiftly past memories
Of love I once thought she cherished
The long nights, holding her so close
feeling the rhythm of her heartbeat
as my love blankets her heart, keeping it safe
all this is sap.

From winter's frigid touch
here is the first decent line. Maybe start here and work from this.

Each kiss oh so gentle, yet full of passion
sap. a gentle kiss would automatically denote passion.

sapphire eyes (reflecting)
twilight,
this creates more of a sense of loss. It is an image working for you twofold. Looking into is telling us something we already know. If you know the color of the eyes, obviously you looked into them.

So much like a dream, like heaven made true
a double whammy of bad cliches.

Tears welling, wishing it didn't end
To see her smile, oh god her smile
comes off like a cheesy styx song.

Okay, I quit here.




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