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Life of a Cubicle Dweller

Member since 2002 · Posted 1 Oct 2002 · 7 comments

Lifeless gray Filling the space I live Looking over cubicle walls To a view of day???s wakening Watching as the sun shines bright Over trees and skies of blue Wishing I could be among the geese As they soar through the air But alas, I am bound To this lowly cage Until the evening comes When the sun lays to rest But soon, I will be able to bask In the warmth of the sun But for now, I must stay For dawn to dusk is a way of life In this compact little space I must call my home

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7 comments

[4] god'swife 1-Oct-02/8:38 AM Reply

I want more from this little poem. The subject si an important one, and there is so much material there to draw from. I think you should continue working on this and fleshing it out more. Make some observations about the dynamics between co-workers or some such thing. The contrast between nature and interior is too predictable. Wasn't there a poem posted about 2 weeks ago on the subject of office life that was pretty good I can't find it. Can any one tell me?

[n/a] loneshadow29 › god'swife 1-Oct-02/9:15 AM Reply

I'll see what I can add on to it... I think I might have a few little ideas that could give it a little more... thanks for the suggestion! :o)

[4] god'swife › loneshadow29 1-Oct-02/9:19 AM Reply

I find what works for me, what most people who read my poems react to, is when I'm dead on specific. Pick someone or something a meeting whatever, and write down your feelings and attitudes. A sketch if you will, then find the best sounding words and re-sketch it. Good luck.

[5] harrytuttle › god'swife 1-Oct-02/9:16 AM Reply

I wrote a couple, but I didn't see that you had commented on either of them, so I don't know if mine is (are) the one(s) you are looking for... ;)

[n/a] <~> › god'swife 4-Oct-02/8:43 PM Reply

do you mean 'happy hour' by Limness?

[4] Frass 1-Oct-02/7:52 PM Reply

Where are those TPC report covers, Lnshdw? Your poem, although you can cinch it even tighter, already puts a noose of quiet desperation 'round me neckbone.

[n/a] <~> 4-Oct-02/8:43 PM Reply

okay, i agree with mrs.g in that you are off to a good start, but i think you should incorporate her suggestions and pare it down rather than flesh it out. you tend to use a lot of words, loneshadow, and you don't need to.

"Wishing I could be among the geese" says it all. there are at least 3 other lines tacked on around this one which are completely unnecessary--this one says it all. learn to cut away. this is a beautiful line. cut this poem down by half, made up of lines like this, and you will have a gem.