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Life of a Cubicle Dweller (Free verse) by loneshadow29 Lifeless gray
Filling the space I live
Looking over cubicle walls
To a view of day???s wakening
Watching as the sun shines bright
Over trees and skies of blue
Wishing I could be among the geese
As they soar through the air
But alas, I am bound
To this lowly cage
Until the evening comes
When the sun lays to rest
But soon, I will be able to bask
In the warmth of the sun
But for now, I must stay
For dawn to dusk is a way of life
In this compact little space
I must call my home
Up the ladder:
Bathroom Angel Crusade
Down the ladder:
When Heaven Is Hell
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: October 1, 2002 6:49 AM PDT; Last modified: October 1, 2002 6:49 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.7310586 Overall Rank: 11807 Comments:
[4]
god'swife @ 209.178.176.17
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1-Oct-02/8:38 AM
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Reply
I want more from this little poem. The subject si an important one, and there is so much material there to draw from. I think you should continue working on this and fleshing it out more. Make some observations about the dynamics between co-workers or some such thing. The contrast between nature and interior is too predictable. Wasn't there a poem posted about 2 weeks ago on the subject of office life that was pretty good I can't find it. Can any one tell me?
[n/a]
loneshadow29 @ 63.80.251.73
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/9:15 AM
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Reply
I'll see what I can add on to it... I think I might have a few little ideas that could give it a little more... thanks for the suggestion! :o)
[4]
god'swife @ 209.178.176.17
> loneshadow29
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1-Oct-02/9:19 AM
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Reply
I find what works for me, what most people who read my poems react to, is when I'm dead on specific. Pick someone or something a meeting whatever, and write down your feelings and attitudes. A sketch if you will, then find the best sounding words and re-sketch it. Good luck.
[5]
harrytuttle @ 208.20.220.69
> god'swife
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1-Oct-02/9:16 AM
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Reply
I wrote a couple, but I didn't see that you had commented on either of them, so I don't know if mine is (are) the one(s) you are looking for... ;)
[n/a]
<~> @ 67.84.171.10
> god'swife
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4-Oct-02/8:43 PM
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Reply
do you mean 'happy hour' by Limness?
Where are those TPC report covers, Lnshdw? Your poem, although you can cinch it even tighter, already puts a noose of quiet desperation 'round me neckbone.
okay, i agree with mrs.g in that you are off to a good start, but i think you should incorporate her suggestions and pare it down rather than flesh it out. you tend to use a lot of words, loneshadow, and you don't need to.
"Wishing I could be among the geese" says it all. there are at least 3 other lines tacked on around this one which are completely unnecessary--this one says it all. learn to cut away. this is a beautiful line. cut this poem down by half, made up of lines like this, and you will have a gem. 149 view(s)
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