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Life of a Cubicle Dweller (Free verse) by loneshadow29

Lifeless gray Filling the space I live Looking over cubicle walls To a view of day???s wakening Watching as the sun shines bright Over trees and skies of blue Wishing I could be among the geese As they soar through the air But alas, I am bound To this lowly cage Until the evening comes When the sun lays to rest But soon, I will be able to bask In the warmth of the sun But for now, I must stay For dawn to dusk is a way of life In this compact little space I must call my home

<~> 4-Oct-02/8:43 PM
okay, i agree with mrs.g in that you are off to a good start, but i think you should incorporate her suggestions and pare it down rather than flesh it out. you tend to use a lot of words, loneshadow, and you don't need to.

"Wishing I could be among the geese" says it all. there are at least 3 other lines tacked on around this one which are completely unnecessary--this one says it all. learn to cut away. this is a beautiful line. cut this poem down by half, made up of lines like this, and you will have a gem.




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