replying on The burlesque circus clown [revised] by Don-Quixote
6 Jan 2004, 10:37 AM
I've made some slight changes that smooths the flow some, point out anything that I've missed or haven't noticed.
replying on The burlesque circus clown [revised] by Don-Quixote
6 Jan 2004, 10:25 AM
I've recited it out loud, but haven't been able to spot what needs tweaking.
Since I wrote it, I read/recite it in a way that sound correct to my eyes/ears- so theres no way I can detect the faults that you've come across. ;/
If it isn't too much trouble, could you point out what you feel needs tweaking and give a short explaination why? (Am I a demanding jackass or what? then again I've been alot more annoying in the past..)
I'd appreciate it, thanks.
Since I wrote it, I read/recite it in a way that sound correct to my eyes/ears- so theres no way I can detect the faults that you've come across. ;/
If it isn't too much trouble, could you point out what you feel needs tweaking and give a short explaination why? (Am I a demanding jackass or what? then again I've been alot more annoying in the past..)
I'd appreciate it, thanks.
I have that habit too, though much less these days- I've learned to take more time shaping a poem, but still miss things, since most of the time I'm amped.
Then again, its one of the reasons I post my work, so others can point out what I miss, etc.
Then again, its one of the reasons I post my work, so others can point out what I miss, etc.
Earlier today I gave this poem a ten; reading it again, its still ten BUT
since I'm an opinionated asshole, I have some suggestions:
"searing molten steel whip" three adjectives make the flow buckle.. how about cutting out "searing" since we know its molten?
"Hold fast your shape, as he wields the"
Ending the line at "the" also causes the flow to stumble.. how bout
"Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows,"
making the next line
"and reply with the ever affirming clank"
and the last line of S1
"as you have done since your casting."
Thats all.
since I'm an opinionated asshole, I have some suggestions:
"searing molten steel whip" three adjectives make the flow buckle.. how about cutting out "searing" since we know its molten?
"Hold fast your shape, as he wields the"
Ending the line at "the" also causes the flow to stumble.. how bout
"Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows,"
making the next line
"and reply with the ever affirming clank"
and the last line of S1
"as you have done since your casting."
Thats all.
on Poetry is Pointless by somemorepoetry
29 Dec 2003, 10:56 PM
I don't act important.. I just act like an asshole with a pen 'n too much time on my hands. Oh and did I mention that I love to write? NO REALLY. SOON I'LL PUBLISH MY BEATNIK & METH ANTHOLOGY (first step in conquering the planet, next step is spiking the water supply with lsd, convincing everyone im Jesus and that their head is actually an orange.)
Anyway, heres a seven.
Anyway, heres a seven.
replying on Lenola prays with a stiletto by SupremeDreamer
28 Dec 2003, 6:07 PM
Repeated noun? (Forgive me, grammar isn't one of my major strong points.) Explain.
Yeah, I used to characterize alot when I was much younger, been missin writing in a narrative perspective.. I made the name up off the top of my head, unless its actually a womans name (-shrug- never read a name list..)
Yeah, I used to characterize alot when I was much younger, been missin writing in a narrative perspective.. I made the name up off the top of my head, unless its actually a womans name (-shrug- never read a name list..)
replying on Lenola prays with a stiletto by SupremeDreamer
28 Dec 2003, 6:02 PM
Resigned? Shes englufed in the metaphorical "devils breath" quivering in "odium" (hate coupled with disgust + state of disgrace) and emotionally abandoned by her faith.
The mood isn't really resigned- but I did make the beginning a calm explaination of the reasons for the ending- giving the ending a more passionate feel with the violence blunty conveyed, along with a quick short upfront conclusion.
I guess it doesn't have the expected effect on all of the readers.. ;/ trial and error- poetry is always a learning process.
The mood isn't really resigned- but I did make the beginning a calm explaination of the reasons for the ending- giving the ending a more passionate feel with the violence blunty conveyed, along with a quick short upfront conclusion.
I guess it doesn't have the expected effect on all of the readers.. ;/ trial and error- poetry is always a learning process.
replying on Lenola prays with a stiletto by SupremeDreamer
27 Dec 2003, 12:56 AM
Well, so my stuff is on the lighter side? Damn it, I thought I succeeded in being extreme ages ago. Or was hoping this priest killing piece would do it.
Your giving off mixed messages here, and I feel as if I've failed in one of my core goals. I demand an explaination.
Oh, and if your being so humble now, that would explain the failure to inject the sizzling attitude and so forth in your last write?
Your giving off mixed messages here, and I feel as if I've failed in one of my core goals. I demand an explaination.
Oh, and if your being so humble now, that would explain the failure to inject the sizzling attitude and so forth in your last write?
replying on Lenola prays with a stiletto by SupremeDreamer
27 Dec 2003, 12:49 AM
I just love how you cut through the bull and get right to the good stuff.
replying on Lenola prays with a stiletto by SupremeDreamer
26 Dec 2003, 12:53 PM
Yes, I agree. But you should see the die hard atheists talk about religion, its like a mosh pit. The folks that don't believe generally have more interesting things to say about Jesus in my opinion. (not the DH atheists mind you, they say the same shit)
But I've always had a keen interest in the interpretation of the bible and its close relation to all other relgions..
All is well with me, and yes, its been some time since we've spoken- actually, the last time was when I wrote that retard remix parody... you took it pretty badly.
But I've always had a keen interest in the interpretation of the bible and its close relation to all other relgions..
All is well with me, and yes, its been some time since we've spoken- actually, the last time was when I wrote that retard remix parody... you took it pretty badly.
replying on Lenola prays with a stiletto by SupremeDreamer
25 Dec 2003, 10:40 AM
I should replace that with something else... ;/
on It's lonely at the top by Jeremi B. Handrinos
24 Dec 2003, 10:20 PM
I've always known god to be the biggest clown ever. Blessed with nine.
on Large Man on peach sandel by horus8
24 Dec 2003, 10:14 PM
"and shall be not be not
be not be not be at rest,"
?
I'm a wierdo- despite that this poem confuses me. (or was that your intention?)
Blessed with seven.
be not be not be at rest,"
?
I'm a wierdo- despite that this poem confuses me. (or was that your intention?)
Blessed with seven.
replying on Pyrrhus smoked the sun by SupremeDreamer
18 Dec 2003, 10:36 PM
Merry christmas to you too psycho killer, thanks for the track- forgot that my redirect service doesn't handle large files. (oh well.. perhaps I'll pay for full pop3 service, 100$ a year doesn't sound bad.)
replying on Pyrrhus smoked the sun by SupremeDreamer
18 Dec 2003, 10:31 PM
Bonfires and mushrooms- best week I ever had in my life.
A journal is perfect for spewing out that emotional goo..
Or you can turn that goo into something that atleast resembles a poem.. which would require some "imagination"..
Then theres the heavy sarcasm and cynical approach, which atleast offers the possibility of inciting an occasional chuckle.
If all else fails, go hug your school counselor? SHED LOVE TO SEE YOUR JOURNAL *cough* I mean "poems"...
Or you can turn that goo into something that atleast resembles a poem.. which would require some "imagination"..
Then theres the heavy sarcasm and cynical approach, which atleast offers the possibility of inciting an occasional chuckle.
If all else fails, go hug your school counselor? SHED LOVE TO SEE YOUR JOURNAL *cough* I mean "poems"...
ok, now if your going to write in self pity.. could you atleast TRY you know ATTEMPT to do it in an artistic and creative fashion or something??
This sounds like a fucking therapy session, or more like a public BOO-HOO-HOO classic cliche teenage "I'm lonely and unloved blah blah"
Fuck.. get a journal. And your from belgium? This might be the stupidest joke ever concieved and carried out, really now.
Whats next? The infamous internet suicide note?
This sounds like a fucking therapy session, or more like a public BOO-HOO-HOO classic cliche teenage "I'm lonely and unloved blah blah"
Fuck.. get a journal. And your from belgium? This might be the stupidest joke ever concieved and carried out, really now.
Whats next? The infamous internet suicide note?
replying on Cast a shadow. by darby pyn
17 Dec 2003, 9:52 PM
I only noticed because I have to correct my own spelling constantly, usin this keyboard like the twitchin drunkard down on beer fume alley. My spelling has improved, but my lousy finger coordination makes that fact completely irrelevant.
Even misspelled harlot once.. then again I've done worse- cept thats the only damn thing that still bothers me at night.
Even misspelled harlot once.. then again I've done worse- cept thats the only damn thing that still bothers me at night.
on Cast a shadow. by darby pyn
17 Dec 2003, 9:32 PM
They new at youth- "knew"?
you know, this piece would be perfect with linebreaks- it would, but I'm not one to fidget, its good either way. 10.
you know, this piece would be perfect with linebreaks- it would, but I'm not one to fidget, its good either way. 10.
replying on Death & the Twisted Tree by SupremeDreamer
17 Dec 2003, 12:57 PM
Ohh. I'm devastated.
One: the struggle had nothing to do with mankind, it had to do with ME.
But obviously you missed that while skimming through my writing and cooking up some insulting comment.
And how nice, again you mentioned intelligence- as if calling me a moron a thousand times accomplishes anything.
Fuck mankind. You missed the goddamn point entirely you twit. Why don't you try swinging in the air somewhere else?
One: the struggle had nothing to do with mankind, it had to do with ME.
But obviously you missed that while skimming through my writing and cooking up some insulting comment.
And how nice, again you mentioned intelligence- as if calling me a moron a thousand times accomplishes anything.
Fuck mankind. You missed the goddamn point entirely you twit. Why don't you try swinging in the air somewhere else?