| Re: a comment on Sticks and Stones Farm, Pot Luck Thursday Nights by <~> |
4-Jan-03/2:28 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Epistemology (2nd draft) by Ranger |
3-Jan-03/4:51 PM |
so, if i try to help him, as he has asked, i'm ruining his life?
my hole is quite comfortably furnished, thank you, and i have no intentions of dying in it just yet.
ranger? would you like me to comment on your revision?
mikius, you have a lot of balls speaking for someone else. i'm glad you like it the way it is NOW. did you see it before? how do you know which comments apply to which versions?
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| Re: a comment on Epistemology (2nd draft) by Ranger |
3-Jan-03/10:26 AM |
yes.
"Scarlet bubbles floating in the patterned air
Dancing their woven path without a single care"
this screams his age; one does not need to look at his profile to confirm it. as for what he was trying to do, well, this stepping stone is not so wobbly as some that i have broached, and my jeans are no stranger to cold, mucky waters.
keep at it ranger. listen to the ones who say you fail--they are the ones who will get your ire to where it needs to be to make yourself leaner, better, stronger.
as for this poem: you knew what you meant; say it with half the words; make ME, the reader, question its existence. k?
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| Re: Fortune cookie by INTRANSIT |
3-Jan-03/9:02 AM |
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| Re: Wanking by Bobjim |
3-Jan-03/7:06 AM |
now, settle, you know i've been there, and we've tried every single one of my 'appliances'... what kind of batteries did h say to use? because, damn you, you keep running them (and me) dry. you cheeky little energizer bunny, you!
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| Re: a comment on unsent by Bill Z Bub |
3-Jan-03/6:57 AM |
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i like crunch berries much much better than fruity pebbles. but i'll take what's behind door #1 any morning, hung over or not.
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| Re: Just clubbing fur seals by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
3-Jan-03/6:44 AM |
h--i liked this very much, but it ain't a villanelle. for a tongue-in-cheek, fill-in-the-blanks look at the pattern of a villanelle, see nentwined's "killer boredom butterfly (esoteric). you gotta repeat and exchange the lines, mon frere. and it's all ababababababab rhyming. mayb baba should wright it? she's got the chops and the name for it.
just go on and change this to free verse, and leave it be. there's a few picayunes, but i'll get back to you on those.
ta.
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| Re: a comment on The Advent Of Monsoon by anitawit |
2-Jan-03/10:42 PM |
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i'm not sure there is enough separation for the contrast to be effective. perhaps you could separate the dark and light with indented phrasing? to give the reader a physical clue as to the sense of shift in mood?
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| Re: #10 by daniella |
2-Jan-03/10:24 PM |
indigo.
i didn't say it before, but i voted it so. this is satisfying in the most spare way. thank you for giving me something from the ethers that i might turn over and over in my salty palm.
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| Re: a comment on The Advent Of Monsoon by anitawit |
2-Jan-03/10:02 PM |
how about 'pry' (to try to force) or 'ply' (to work at repeatedly) silently at ...then it would seem like the creature was trying to get in.
also, 'yellow' sunshine sounds cheery--if dismal is where you are going with this, may i suggest 'yellowed' instead? it feels used, up, aged, nasty.
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| Re: He Told Me Once by anitawit |
2-Jan-03/9:17 PM |
he must enjoy this torture, rapturously. if he stays to be tormented further.
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| Re: The Advent Of Monsoon by anitawit |
2-Jan-03/9:15 PM |
very evocative and viceral.
in your last line, perhaps the rains could touch/tap at/strum your window (any action as performed by a hand, as that is the metaphor you establish in the line before it)
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| Re: a comment on Kernel by anitawit |
2-Jan-03/9:11 PM |
i have made this edit for you to show you what i meant--the text needs to be centered as you had it, but won't translate in the comment box.
Also, you have several verb tenses working against each other--i suggest making it less passive, more active so the poem shows that you are in some way contributing to the path towards the center.
i hope these comments were useful to you, and hope i have not overstepped.
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| Re: Kernel by anitawit |
2-Jan-03/9:08 PM |
Passing through many sieves in many lives
I grow less and less in size
Becoming stronger
Getting closer
To the
Kernel
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| Re: unsent by Bill Z Bub |
2-Jan-03/9:04 PM |
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ahh. and again. you seducer.
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| Re: Kernel by anitawit |
2-Jan-03/11:37 AM |
can you refine those last 3 lines--make them a little denser, more toward the kernel, if you will?
good idea.
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| Re: a comment on Brackish by <~> |
2-Jan-03/8:22 AM |
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thank you. i am glad to have touched you so.
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| Re: a comment on The Day the Winter Muse Fighters of the World Came By by <~> |
1-Jan-03/7:23 PM |
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this is for horus/he has been known to act on soap. slippery business, that.
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| Re: Star Wars theme by Myte342 |
1-Jan-03/7:13 PM |
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these aren't the droids we're looking for.
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| Re: Rant by blkarak |
1-Jan-03/6:42 PM |
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